2011 was a significant year for me. Both joyful and challenging, the following eleven events sum up the most consequential moments of the year.
Monday, December 26, 2011
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Resolute Reflection
Throughout law school, my list of New Year's Resolutions has been short and sweet:
Overall, I have done pretty well with the list this year. 2011 has been a year of reconnecting with old friends, especially since moving back to California. And, I am very pleased to be staying in touch with my D.C. friends, all of whom I miss so much. Indeed, writing Christmas cards each year is always an exercise in counting my blessings.
I definitely got to know D.C. like a local these past three years, and this year wrapped up my D.C. to-do list. Much was accomplished during Chris' visit on Presidents' Day Weekend. We went to the top of the Old Post Office Tower, saw the Ghost Clock at the Renwick Gallery, watched money being made at the Bureau of Engraving and Printing, and went to the National Building Museum. I also checked off some big to-do's during my family's visit for my graduation: a tour of the White House, and a visit to the Franciscan Monastery. And, that's to say nothing of the recurring D.C. adventures I went on, including Mount Vernon, walking the monuments at night with Jess, many trips to the various Smithsonians, and quiet afternoons at the Basilica of the National Shrine. I miss D.C., and hope that I'll have the opportunity to visit this spring.
I am happy to report that reading for pleasure has picked up this year. Still Thinking, the virtual book club, has been a great source of accountability for reading. This year, we read Machine of Death, Shakespeare's Kitchen, A Time to Kill, Across the Universe, Devil in the White City, The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks, The Hunger Games trilogy, and are currently reading The House of God. I think my favorite was Machine of Death, which is an anthology of short stories inspired by this comic. It was at once macabre, hilarious, and thought-provoking. Plus, you can read the book online for free! My reading also experienced a sharp uptick after I received a Kindle as a graduation present from my parents. I was a bit hesitant about using an e-reader at first, but now I love it. In addition to my book club books, I also read Bossypants by Tina Fey, Packing for Mars, The Pun also Rises, and am in the middle of the second book of A Song of Ice and Fire (the Game of Thrones series). Still not nearly as many books as I used to read pre-law school, but a step in the right direction.
Using my time wisely is always a difficult resolution. There are so many distractions in this world, and the Internet is the biggest temptation for me. I can easily whittle away hours reading online. However, especially in light of my upcoming bar exam at the end of February, maintaining this resolution will be of the utmost importance.
I would not go so far as to characterize my prayer life as "praying without ceasing," but there has been progress in this area of my life, most significantly this autumn as I began to meet up regularly with Monica, Ariana, and Shauna for conversations about The Holy Longing, by Ronald Rolheiser. I am so blessed to have people in my life who challenge me to grow, and support me when I am struggling.
Making healthy choices waxes and wanes. To be honest, it's been more difficult since I've moved home, because there is less walking in the suburbs, I don't have access to a gym, and I don't have as much control over food selection (and, keeping temptations out of reach). However, I have been doing more cooking using healthy recipes, and my bicycle has gotten a lot of use. Still, some room for improvement.
Accordingly, these are my resolutions for 2012:
2011 was a momentous year for me in so many ways (a retrospective is forthcoming), and I cannot wait to see what 2012 will bring. In the meantime, I wish you all a very Merry Christmas!
- Keep in touch with friends
- Get to know D.C. like a local
- Read for pleasure
- Use my time wisely
- Pray without ceasing
- Make healthy choices
Overall, I have done pretty well with the list this year. 2011 has been a year of reconnecting with old friends, especially since moving back to California. And, I am very pleased to be staying in touch with my D.C. friends, all of whom I miss so much. Indeed, writing Christmas cards each year is always an exercise in counting my blessings.
I am happy to report that reading for pleasure has picked up this year. Still Thinking, the virtual book club, has been a great source of accountability for reading. This year, we read Machine of Death, Shakespeare's Kitchen, A Time to Kill, Across the Universe, Devil in the White City, The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks, The Hunger Games trilogy, and are currently reading The House of God. I think my favorite was Machine of Death, which is an anthology of short stories inspired by this comic. It was at once macabre, hilarious, and thought-provoking. Plus, you can read the book online for free! My reading also experienced a sharp uptick after I received a Kindle as a graduation present from my parents. I was a bit hesitant about using an e-reader at first, but now I love it. In addition to my book club books, I also read Bossypants by Tina Fey, Packing for Mars, The Pun also Rises, and am in the middle of the second book of A Song of Ice and Fire (the Game of Thrones series). Still not nearly as many books as I used to read pre-law school, but a step in the right direction.
Using my time wisely is always a difficult resolution. There are so many distractions in this world, and the Internet is the biggest temptation for me. I can easily whittle away hours reading online. However, especially in light of my upcoming bar exam at the end of February, maintaining this resolution will be of the utmost importance.
I would not go so far as to characterize my prayer life as "praying without ceasing," but there has been progress in this area of my life, most significantly this autumn as I began to meet up regularly with Monica, Ariana, and Shauna for conversations about The Holy Longing, by Ronald Rolheiser. I am so blessed to have people in my life who challenge me to grow, and support me when I am struggling.
Making healthy choices waxes and wanes. To be honest, it's been more difficult since I've moved home, because there is less walking in the suburbs, I don't have access to a gym, and I don't have as much control over food selection (and, keeping temptations out of reach). However, I have been doing more cooking using healthy recipes, and my bicycle has gotten a lot of use. Still, some room for improvement.
Accordingly, these are my resolutions for 2012:
- Keep in touch with friends
- Read for pleasure
- Use my time wisely
- Pray without ceasing
- Make healthy choices
- Try new recipes
- Do more photography
- Study Spanish
2011 was a momentous year for me in so many ways (a retrospective is forthcoming), and I cannot wait to see what 2012 will bring. In the meantime, I wish you all a very Merry Christmas!
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Amanda's Apple Butter
My mom has a deep love for apple butter, but the stores stopped carrying her favorite brand, Mary Ellen, a long time ago. So, back in October, I tried my hand at making my own apple butter. The one caveat: my mom does not like apple cider--she finds it too tart--which is a common ingredient in the apple butter recipes that I found. After reading dozens of variations on the recipe, I decided on a simple combination of apples, sugar, cinnamon, nutmeg, and ground cloves. My mom loved it, and I knew I had to make more.
 |
| My mom was in heaven! |
You may be wondering what one can do with apple butter. It is very versatile. Apple butter is great on toast in the morning, as a peanut butter and apple butter sandwich, in an apple and brie sandwich, as a glaze for pork or chicken, on vanilla ice cream, as a filling for jelly rolls, as a base layer for apple tarts, as a dip for graham crackers... Creativity is encouraged!
This Christmas, I have decided to learn how to properly can my apple butter to give it away as gifts. To ensure that I wasn't giving people botulism for Christmas, I did some research online, and even checked out some canning books from the library. I learned that apple butter--indeed, all fruits with sufficient acidity--can be safely processed in a water bath, rather than going through the hassle of using a pressure canner. Boiling temperature will destroy most bacteria, yeasts, and molds in acidic foods like apple butter, and the pH level is low enough to prevent spore growth. If you're looking for a comprehensive guide to safe canning, the USDA has a fantastic PDF, the Complete Guide to Home Canning.In order to prepare and can the apple butter, you will need the following supplies:
Crock pot
Immersion blender (or blender)
Mason jars (I used 4 ounce jars)
Wide mouth funnel
Large pot (for the water bath)
Dish towels
Jar lifter tongs
Including chopping up all the apples, and canning, this recipe takes 19 hours from start to finish. I recommend getting up before dawn to get started, so that you aren't up too late canning. Or, start in the evening right before bed, so that you can wake up and add the spices in the morning. Just don't time things poorly like I did my first time: I had to set an alarm for two o'clock in the morning to blend and jar my apple butter!
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Advent Retreat
As it turns out, the retreat was awesome. There were 24 attendees, including some great new friends that I hope to see again. The retreat was led by Sister Rebecca, who was spirited, played the guitar with extraordinary gusto, and was one of the most sincere people I've ever met.
The day was broken up into four sessions centered around Advent themes: invitation, preparation, celebration, and transformation. I was particularly struck by the session on celebration, which reinforced for me that we need to rejoice in God throughout the year, not just during certain liturgical seasons. I enjoyed the opportunity to refocus on the meaning of Advent, because it's very easy to get caught up in the busyness and stress of preparing for Christmas.
The grounds of the Dominican Motherhouse are right next to Mission San Jose, and they are beautiful. After lunch, one of the nuns gave us a tour, and told us a little bit about the history of the Dominican Sisters in the Bay Area. A few sisters were sent from Brooklyn out to San Francisco to teach at a school in the late 1800's, including a Sister Amanda, who was only 17 years old. Some of the parents were concerned that she was not old enough to teach their children. So, as the story goes, Sister Amanda wrote the number "21" on a slip of paper, and placed it in her shoe. When parents would ask her how old she was, she would reply, "I'm over 21." Well played, Sister Amanda.
All of the nuns I met were so encouraging. We found out at the end of the day that a sister had signed up to pray for each of us all day, which was touching. The retreat ended with confession, Mass, and dinner. It was a tranquil, joyous day, and exactly what my spirit needed. They offer another free retreat for Lent that is an overnighter, and I plan on being there!
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Gratitude
I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving. This was my first time being home for Thanksgiving in three years, so it meant a lot to me. It was also my first Thanksgiving without my Nana, and her absence was felt, but I'm thankful that she's in a better place. I enjoyed spending the day cooking with my mom. In addition to all of our traditional dishes, we tried something new: mini pumpkin pies baked in cupcake tins! They were incredible, and will definitely be a new tradition for us.My family and I went around and named some of the things for which we are thankful this year. It was a positive exercise for me, especially since I'm still coming to terms with my bar exam results. Here are some of the things I mentioned:
- Going to Jamaica for my human rights fact-finding mission
- My experience as managing editor of the Poverty Journal
- The Catholic community at Georgetown Law
- Graduating from law school
- My new kittens
- My iPhone, which connects me with so many people I love
- My friends in DC, who are doing a great job of keeping in touch
- The support of so many friends during and after the bar exam
- Having a family willing and able to take me in during my bar exam studies and un(der)employment
That last line is the most significant for me. I have been graced with the luxury of being able to wait for the right job opportunity, and to focus on my bar exam studies. Despite the bumps in the road that I've faced this year, overall I am extremely blessed.
I got some good news from Georgetown: they're willing to extend my stipend to work with the Center for Gender & Refugee Studies! So, although today was supposed to be the last day of my three-month fellowship at CGRS--indeed, they took me out for a delicious farewell lunch of Burmese food* yesterday--I will actually be working 24 hours per week through the end of December. I'm glad to be able to do a little more work with CGRS, because there are so many interesting projects going on.
Also, I really appreciate how flexible they are about my work schedule. In light of my three-hour roundtrip commute, they have agreed to let me telecommute exclusively for the month of December. So helpful, not only to save time, but also money. (Caltrain and Bart have been running me $22 per day roundtrip, ouch!) I wish I could stick around longer, but Barbri classes start up again on January 2nd, so I'm trying to avoid working during my bar prep.
Speaking of the bar, my supervising attorney had a great talk with me yesterday, during which she revealed to me that she, too, had to take the bar exam twice. As she and I have a lot in common--Georgetown Law alumnae, straight through from a Pac 12 state school, human rights fact-finding mission, certificate in Refugees and Humanitarian Emergencies--it was very reassuring to hear that she had been successful during the February administration, and went on to find public interest employment in her field of choice. I have been blessed with so many encouraging, supportive supervising attorneys in my past legal jobs, and CGRS is no exception.
*I had never had Burmese before, and it is fantastic! I love the Indian and Thai influences. I had coconut chicken noodle soup and tea leaf salad. So good. I want to try my hand at a coconut milk-based soup, now. Check out Burmese Kitchen if you find yourself with a hankering for Burmese food in the middle of the Tenderloin.
Monday, November 28, 2011
The Resident Alien: Chapter 1
So, this whole NaNoWriMo thing did not exactly work out for me as I had hoped this year. I did not get anywhere near 50,000 words. No excuses justify this—I simply wasn't committed to the writing schedule that I should have been keeping. Boo on me; I'll try again next year.
However, my first attempt at NaNoWriMo has reminded me how much I enjoy creative writing. In fact, I want to continue to explore the storyline I've developed for The Resident Alien. So, here's what I'm going to do: post one chapter per month here on my blog. This seems like a reasonable goal. It will keep me active and accountable, and provide me with some much-needed feedback so that I can improve as a writer. Accordingly, here is the first chapter of The Resident Alien.
Friday, November 18, 2011
Oh, Drat
Well, gang, I'm hoping for better luck in February, because I did not get good news this evening.
The following is a letter that I wrote myself on the day before the bar exam.
The following is a letter that I wrote myself on the day before the bar exam.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Three Days
The results of the California bar exam will be released Friday evening. My life has been slowly marching toward this day for years. I have thought about this Friday literally every day since I graduated from law school. And, it is finally nearly here.
I'm extraordinarily nervous. I'm trying not to freak out. I'm trying to stay calm. I'm trying to keep busy with cooking and friends and books and family and silly craft projects to take my mind off of the looming date. I'm trying to focus on the message of Matthew 6:25-31. But, it's difficult for me. I'm afraid of humiliation, disappointment, imperfection, weakness, inferiority... Of Failure with a capital "F".
Shortly before the bar exam, Erin sent me a link to a blog post entitled Please Stop Telling Me I'm Going to Pass the Bar. It sums up quite perfectly how I was feeling in the two weeks leading up to the bar exam. Many of those sentiments still apply. This part of the post was especially resonant for me:
Now, that's just ridiculous. Regardless of what happens on Friday, life will go on. As I blogged shortly before the bar exam,
See you on Friday.
I'm extraordinarily nervous. I'm trying not to freak out. I'm trying to stay calm. I'm trying to keep busy with cooking and friends and books and family and silly craft projects to take my mind off of the looming date. I'm trying to focus on the message of Matthew 6:25-31. But, it's difficult for me. I'm afraid of humiliation, disappointment, imperfection, weakness, inferiority... Of Failure with a capital "F".
Shortly before the bar exam, Erin sent me a link to a blog post entitled Please Stop Telling Me I'm Going to Pass the Bar. It sums up quite perfectly how I was feeling in the two weeks leading up to the bar exam. Many of those sentiments still apply. This part of the post was especially resonant for me:
Now, lots of smart people fail the bar exam. For a variety of reasons, it happens. These people are not failures. I can look at these people---people who I know and respect, and consider them bright, competent, amazing attorneys. The younger ones, I love and respect. I don't think they're idiots. For the older ones, it's a war wound, and a mark of character: proof that they really do "get" the real world. But if I don't pass? You guessed it. I'm a failure. Nobody said this psychology made sense.It's an incredible, self-imposed double standard. I would never judge someone for having failed the exam. It's a tough exam! Stuff happens. But, if I fail the bar exam? Well, that would make me a Failure.
Now, that's just ridiculous. Regardless of what happens on Friday, life will go on. As I blogged shortly before the bar exam,
It is only an exam. It is not a measure of my self-worth. I tried my best this summer and learned a lot, and that's good enough for me.Thanks to everyone for walking along side me on this journey. Thank you for the hugs, the popsicles, the Starbucks gift cards, the emails, the prayers, the listening ears, and the kitten study breaks.
See you on Friday.
Monday, November 14, 2011
In Defense of Thanksgiving
"November is my territory!" said Turkey haughtily, his wattle wobbling with disdain. "Thanksgiving is in November, and Christmas is in December. At the very earliest, you should come out on the Friday after Thanksgiving--no earlier!"
Christmas Tree rolled her eyes and adjusted the garland on one of her beautiful boughs. "Turkey, I hear what you're saying. But, so much of the autumn stuff plays out in September and October these days. People are bored already, they're ready for a change! I mean, pumpkin spice lattes are delicious, but folks have been drinking them since Labor Day. Who can blame them for getting a peppermint mocha?"
"It diminishes the significance of both of our holidays," replied Turkey. "Thanksgiving is no more about pumpkin than Christmas is about peppermint. Each of our holidays celebrates a significant event. For Thanksgiving, it is a time for family to gather to express their gratitude for the many blessings in their lives. And, Christmas is about the birth of Jesus. Each holiday deserves reverence. Jump starting the stress and busyness of Christmas shopping does a disservice to both holidays."
"Let's cut to the chase, Turkey. Nobody likes Thanksgiving. I mean, it's alright, but it is not on the same level as Christmas. You're just upset that people would rather sing carols and open presents than deal with grumpy distant relatives and eat one of your dried out cousins." Christmas Tree smiled wickedly as Turkey ruffled his feathers, taken aback by her low blow. She continued, "Have you ever heard someone sing a Thanksgiving carol? I think not."
"First off, leave my family out of this. Each year, we make a noble sacrifice for the goodness of the Thanksgiving tradition, and I will not tolerate your insults. There have been many innovations in our cooking in recent years--oven bags, brining, even deep frying--that have greatly diminished the risk of our being dried out." Turkey narrowed his eyes, a small smile creeping across his beak as he sensed Christmas Tree's weakness. "More importantly, you know we have the better side dishes. Green bean casserole, candied yams, cranberry sauce... And, the pies. Everyone loves the pies. Did you know we're in the middle of a pumpkin crisis right now? That's how much people love pumpkin--a shortage of it is referred to as a crisis."
Christmas Tree was silent, struggling to form a rebuttal. Turkey went on, "But, this doesn't have to be a competition. It's not about which holiday is better. Christmas is a very important part of The Holidays. All I am saying is that you need to give us some space, because we kick off this season. By the way, you do realize that winter doesn't start until December 22nd?"
"Okay, okay, I understand. You deserve some respect. I don't totally agree with your food arguments--I mean, Christmas cookies? Eggnog? Candy canes? Those tins of popcorn?--but, I see that we should take turns. It's just difficult for me, because everyone loves Christmas so much, and who am I to deny them the opportunity to celebrate?" Her eyes gleamed wistfully as she continued, "But, maybe you're right. Maybe part of what makes Christmas so special is the fact that it is here but for a fleeting moment. We'll focus on you for now, and it will make December that much more fun." Christmas Tree smiled humbly.
"Thank you for hearing me out, Christmas Tree. I think this will make us both happier in the long run. Say, there are so many wonderful autumn things that we need to do before the weather turns frightful! Want to go out for some apple cider?"
"That sounds lovely, Turkey." And, as they departed, Christmas Tree turned off her lights deferentially.
Lurking in the shadows just around the corner, Cupid cackled softly. Clutching his bow and arrows, he whispered, "That's right, let your guard down. My time will come soon enough..."
Christmas Tree rolled her eyes and adjusted the garland on one of her beautiful boughs. "Turkey, I hear what you're saying. But, so much of the autumn stuff plays out in September and October these days. People are bored already, they're ready for a change! I mean, pumpkin spice lattes are delicious, but folks have been drinking them since Labor Day. Who can blame them for getting a peppermint mocha?"
"It diminishes the significance of both of our holidays," replied Turkey. "Thanksgiving is no more about pumpkin than Christmas is about peppermint. Each of our holidays celebrates a significant event. For Thanksgiving, it is a time for family to gather to express their gratitude for the many blessings in their lives. And, Christmas is about the birth of Jesus. Each holiday deserves reverence. Jump starting the stress and busyness of Christmas shopping does a disservice to both holidays."
"Let's cut to the chase, Turkey. Nobody likes Thanksgiving. I mean, it's alright, but it is not on the same level as Christmas. You're just upset that people would rather sing carols and open presents than deal with grumpy distant relatives and eat one of your dried out cousins." Christmas Tree smiled wickedly as Turkey ruffled his feathers, taken aback by her low blow. She continued, "Have you ever heard someone sing a Thanksgiving carol? I think not."
"First off, leave my family out of this. Each year, we make a noble sacrifice for the goodness of the Thanksgiving tradition, and I will not tolerate your insults. There have been many innovations in our cooking in recent years--oven bags, brining, even deep frying--that have greatly diminished the risk of our being dried out." Turkey narrowed his eyes, a small smile creeping across his beak as he sensed Christmas Tree's weakness. "More importantly, you know we have the better side dishes. Green bean casserole, candied yams, cranberry sauce... And, the pies. Everyone loves the pies. Did you know we're in the middle of a pumpkin crisis right now? That's how much people love pumpkin--a shortage of it is referred to as a crisis."
Christmas Tree was silent, struggling to form a rebuttal. Turkey went on, "But, this doesn't have to be a competition. It's not about which holiday is better. Christmas is a very important part of The Holidays. All I am saying is that you need to give us some space, because we kick off this season. By the way, you do realize that winter doesn't start until December 22nd?"
"Okay, okay, I understand. You deserve some respect. I don't totally agree with your food arguments--I mean, Christmas cookies? Eggnog? Candy canes? Those tins of popcorn?--but, I see that we should take turns. It's just difficult for me, because everyone loves Christmas so much, and who am I to deny them the opportunity to celebrate?" Her eyes gleamed wistfully as she continued, "But, maybe you're right. Maybe part of what makes Christmas so special is the fact that it is here but for a fleeting moment. We'll focus on you for now, and it will make December that much more fun." Christmas Tree smiled humbly.
"Thank you for hearing me out, Christmas Tree. I think this will make us both happier in the long run. Say, there are so many wonderful autumn things that we need to do before the weather turns frightful! Want to go out for some apple cider?"
"That sounds lovely, Turkey." And, as they departed, Christmas Tree turned off her lights deferentially.
Lurking in the shadows just around the corner, Cupid cackled softly. Clutching his bow and arrows, he whispered, "That's right, let your guard down. My time will come soon enough..."
Monday, October 31, 2011
NaNoWriMo
During October, I have been brainstorming what to write. I've had many ideas for novels over the years--what English major isn't a cloak-and-dagger aspiring author?--but I wanted to make sure that I loved my idea enough to carry me through my first NaNoWriMo without stalling out halfway through November. Last week, I was starting to get concerned, because I still hadn't developed the right premise, when I decided to fall back on the age-old adage: write about what you know. And, that's how my idea for The Resident Alien came to be. Here's the synopsis:
In a dystopian future plagued by war, environmental disasters, and the breakdown of international human rights law, the people of Earth have largely abandoned religion, and actively persecute the few who remain faithful. Eleanora, a Roman Catholic, bands with other religious refugees of all faiths to seek asylum on the planet of Nomos, where logic and lawfulness reign supreme. Facing onerous interplanetary immigration laws and policies, Eleanora is taken aback by the xenophobia and second class status that human refugees experience as “resident aliens” of Nomos.
Befriending a refugee nun, Sister Ramona, who has become the face of the refugees’ struggle for acceptance by Nomosian society, Eleanora uses her experience as a journalist to spread the word about the plight of the refugees. When some Nomosians begin to express sympathy for the refugees, and even convert to Catholicism, the government of Nomos cracks down on the liberties afforded to the resident aliens. Eleanora, Sister Ramona, and a few key Nomosian allies fight for religious freedom, exposing the uncomfortable truth that Nomos has many of the same flaws as Earth.It will be a lot of fun to explore this idea. I think I have a decent shot of completing this novel, because I love science fiction, I'm interested in religious issues (especially ecumenism), and my background is in international and refugee law issues. Creating an intergalactic framework for refugee law will be particularly enjoyable, because it will afford me an outlet to critique our current system by analogy.
Is anyone else thinking of doing NaNoWriMo? If so, add me as a writing buddy; my username is grammarsavvy. If not, do you have any other absurd goals for November? I challenge you to take on a project you've wanted to do for a while this month! Remember, in the words of Leonard Bernstein:
"To achieve great things, two things are needed: a plan, and not enough time."
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Internal Deadlines
In the three years since graduating from Cal, I have watched many--indeed, most--of my close friends struggle with un(der)employment. I felt very fortunate to be riding out (at least part of) the recession sheltered in the safe retreat of law school. This year, as my graduation from Georgetown approached with no job offer in sight, I struggled with feelings of doubt, fear, and disappointment. Doubt about whether I had chosen the right career path. Fear of never breaking into my chosen field. Disappointment in myself, as someone who has derived a great deal of her self-worth from past successes.
Then, in May, my studies for the bar exam began. I reset my internal deadline for finding a job to September, one month after the bar exam, and the deadline for my Plan B: accepting a post-JD stipend from Georgetown to do three months of volunteer work with a non-profit organization. No job materialized; indeed, not even an interview.
I accepted a volunteer position with the Center for Gender & Refugee Studies, which I began in September. It is a wonderful place to volunteer, and I am glad to have this opportunity to expand my knowledge of refugee law. I have done research on marital rape in Chad, domestic violence in Slovakia, and repressive social mores in Afghanistan. I drafted a record summary for an amicus brief that is in the works. I am currently writing a practice advisory on the one-year bar to asylum. This is the type of work that I want to be doing, in the perfect location (San Francisco), and yet, I lack satisfaction.
I feel the pressure of my revised internal deadline for finding work: the end of November. This is when my stipend runs out (unless, as has been hinted to as a possibility, Georgetown finds some more funding). This is also when I will learn whether I passed the bar exam. Right now, one of the only things keeping me from completely beating myself up about my unemployment is that I know that non-profit organizations do not have the resources in this economy to hire people who do not have their law licenses. Once I pass the bar, that excuse will be gone. Or, even worse, perhaps I will not pass the bar, and will have to begin my studies--and the hellish waiting process--all over again. Either way, November is going to be a rocky month for my legal moxie.
Today, I stumbled across this feature in New York Magazine: The Kids Are Actually Sort of Alright: My screwed, coddled, self-absorbed, mocked, surprisingly resilient generation. The article explores the psyche of twenty-somethings who are facing un(der)employment in the recession, forced to settle for menial work, move back in with their parents, and reassess why we all worked so hard in high school and beyond. A lot of the article resonated with me. It served as a good reminder of the folly of resting my self-worth upon my career. There is so much more to me than my job (or lack thereof).
Since moving home in May, I have been hesitant to put down any roots in the South Bay, not knowing if or when I might be pulled away to the Peninsula, San Francisco, or the East Bay at the drop of a hat for an employment opportunity. I have felt particularly lost not integrating into a new religious community, after such meaningful experiences at Cal and Georgetown. I talked with my mom about it, and realized that I was wasting valuable time by not embracing a group in the interim, if only for a few months. To that end, I joined up with a few South Bay Newman alumnae, and we've started a Catholic women's book club. We've met twice so far, discussing chapters from The Holy Longing: The Search for a Christian Spirituality. Then, at Mass on Sunday at St. Justin in Santa Clara, I found out that their young adult group (ages 18-40) is having a meet and greet next week to welcome newcomers. It's amazing how God can open the eyes of my heart to community when I least expect it.
I don't want to waste any more time. For the past five months, I have felt as though my life would be on pause until I found full-time, paid employment as a licensed attorney. I have been operating on this assumption that no one will see my value as a human being until I have a legitimate response to the seemingly innocuous ice breaker, "So, what do you do for a living?" There is no need to feel ashamed of my unemployment, so long as I am doing and living. My internalization of my job search as a deadline, that at some point the acceptability of my unemployment will expire, is an unproductive, self-defeatist attitude. My life does not begin when I get my first job. I've been doing things for a living for 25 years, and counting.
Then, in May, my studies for the bar exam began. I reset my internal deadline for finding a job to September, one month after the bar exam, and the deadline for my Plan B: accepting a post-JD stipend from Georgetown to do three months of volunteer work with a non-profit organization. No job materialized; indeed, not even an interview.
I accepted a volunteer position with the Center for Gender & Refugee Studies, which I began in September. It is a wonderful place to volunteer, and I am glad to have this opportunity to expand my knowledge of refugee law. I have done research on marital rape in Chad, domestic violence in Slovakia, and repressive social mores in Afghanistan. I drafted a record summary for an amicus brief that is in the works. I am currently writing a practice advisory on the one-year bar to asylum. This is the type of work that I want to be doing, in the perfect location (San Francisco), and yet, I lack satisfaction.
Today, I stumbled across this feature in New York Magazine: The Kids Are Actually Sort of Alright: My screwed, coddled, self-absorbed, mocked, surprisingly resilient generation. The article explores the psyche of twenty-somethings who are facing un(der)employment in the recession, forced to settle for menial work, move back in with their parents, and reassess why we all worked so hard in high school and beyond. A lot of the article resonated with me. It served as a good reminder of the folly of resting my self-worth upon my career. There is so much more to me than my job (or lack thereof).
Since moving home in May, I have been hesitant to put down any roots in the South Bay, not knowing if or when I might be pulled away to the Peninsula, San Francisco, or the East Bay at the drop of a hat for an employment opportunity. I have felt particularly lost not integrating into a new religious community, after such meaningful experiences at Cal and Georgetown. I talked with my mom about it, and realized that I was wasting valuable time by not embracing a group in the interim, if only for a few months. To that end, I joined up with a few South Bay Newman alumnae, and we've started a Catholic women's book club. We've met twice so far, discussing chapters from The Holy Longing: The Search for a Christian Spirituality. Then, at Mass on Sunday at St. Justin in Santa Clara, I found out that their young adult group (ages 18-40) is having a meet and greet next week to welcome newcomers. It's amazing how God can open the eyes of my heart to community when I least expect it.
I don't want to waste any more time. For the past five months, I have felt as though my life would be on pause until I found full-time, paid employment as a licensed attorney. I have been operating on this assumption that no one will see my value as a human being until I have a legitimate response to the seemingly innocuous ice breaker, "So, what do you do for a living?" There is no need to feel ashamed of my unemployment, so long as I am doing and living. My internalization of my job search as a deadline, that at some point the acceptability of my unemployment will expire, is an unproductive, self-defeatist attitude. My life does not begin when I get my first job. I've been doing things for a living for 25 years, and counting.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Pumpkin Spice Cupcakes
Last month, I discovered Pinterest. It is a fantastic diversion. I love to browse all of the recipes, craft ideas, apartment decorating, colors, adorableness... The emphasis on the visual makes my eyes happy. Incidentally, you can follow me here.
Lately, there has been an impressive array of October-related pins on Pinterest. Autumn is my favorite season, and I grew up in a household that celebrated Halloween with as much gusto as Christmas, so I am very enthusiastic about October, with its pumpkins, cats, owls, and witches. Pumpkin, in particular, brings me much joy. So, when I ran across a pin for pumpkin spice cupcakes, I knew it had to happen.
The biggest challenge about this recipe? Finding canned pumpkin! Apparently, there is some sort of pumpkin crisis afoot. I scoured Safeway for a good twenty minutes before asking a manager, who told me that Safeway has been out of canned pumpkin for two months because it is stockpiling it for Thanksgiving. I had a hard time keeping a straight face as he told me this with an acute sense of conspiratorial urgency. Leaving Safeway, I thought to myself, there is no way that Trader Joe's has a corporate contingency plan that involves the stockpiling of canned pumpkin in the event of a crisis. Sure, enough, I was able to find plenty of organic pumpkin at Trader Joe's. Panic setting in at the thought of TJ's stock running low, I found myself compulsively buying three cans.
The other reason I wanted to make cupcakes was to use my lovely Halloween cupcakes wrappers with owls and ravens, which I found at Michael's:
The recipe is simple enough. After extensive research, I chose my favorite recipes from two different blogs for the cupcakes and the frosting, and they paired quite nicely.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Live Every Week Like It's Shark Week
I'm officially in love with 30 Rock.
Don't get me wrong, I had always liked 30 Rock, but I had never loved it. I think my problem has been that I didn't start watching it when it first came on the air, so I never really understood the inside jokes and subtle character play. Every time I caught an episode, I thought it was amusing and fast-paced, but it wasn't something I felt driven to watch weekly.
However, after I read Tina Fey's biography, Bossypants, I learned a lot about what the show meant to her, and what she was trying to accomplish, and I knew I needed to give it another chance. Bossypants was a fantastic read. Tina Fey's writing was not only comical, but also insightful, both to her own experiences as a woman in a male-dominated career, and in terms of self-deprecating awareness of her own shortcomings. I appreciated how down-to-earth she was, and how important her work is to her, but not to the detriment of some pursuit of work-life balance. As Tina observes after describing a weekend jam-packed with her first time playing Sarah Palin on SNL, shooting an episode of 30 Rock with Oprah Winfrey, and her daughter's third birthday party:
Don't get me wrong, I had always liked 30 Rock, but I had never loved it. I think my problem has been that I didn't start watching it when it first came on the air, so I never really understood the inside jokes and subtle character play. Every time I caught an episode, I thought it was amusing and fast-paced, but it wasn't something I felt driven to watch weekly.
However, after I read Tina Fey's biography, Bossypants, I learned a lot about what the show meant to her, and what she was trying to accomplish, and I knew I needed to give it another chance. Bossypants was a fantastic read. Tina Fey's writing was not only comical, but also insightful, both to her own experiences as a woman in a male-dominated career, and in terms of self-deprecating awareness of her own shortcomings. I appreciated how down-to-earth she was, and how important her work is to her, but not to the detriment of some pursuit of work-life balance. As Tina observes after describing a weekend jam-packed with her first time playing Sarah Palin on SNL, shooting an episode of 30 Rock with Oprah Winfrey, and her daughter's third birthday party:
"By the way, when Oprah Winfrey is suggesting you may have overextended yourself, you need to examine your f***ing life."
So, after I finished the book a couple of weeks ago, I logged onto Netflix, and was thrilled to discover that 30 Rock is available for internet streaming. Score! With Conan, Jon, and Stephen all on hiatus for much of the month, I definitely had a smart comedy television void to fill. I just finished the first season, and am loving it. There are so many inside jokes that I simply did not understand because I hadn't seen it from the beginning. This is a show that has character progression, and needs to be seen chronologically in order to fully appreciate what is going on. Also, how fantastic is Alec Baldwin as Jack Donaghy?! Now, I have to pace myself through seasons two through five, because season six doesn't start until early 2012 due to Tina Fey's pregnancy.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Health Kick
Despite the somewhat misleading fact that my last post was about cookies, the reality is that I have been on a post-bar health kick. Being back in the suburbs means that I don't have a multi-mile walk built into my daily schedule anymore, and studying for the bar exam didn't exactly lend itself to exercising and eating right. However, the bar exam is over, and I have lots of free time, so a health kick is underway!
While I wouldn't consider myself to be on a "diet" (see above re: cookies), I will say that I am trying to make healthier choices. When I was at Cal, some of my PE classes (yoga, step aerobics) required us to keep a log of our eating habits, to make us more aware of our choices. I found the practice to be a very helpful form of accountability. Before eating, I found myself thinking, "Do I really want to have to write down that I ate that many cookies?" As a result, I would make better choices while keeping the log, and felt better about how I was caring for myself.
There is a great iPhone app called Lose It! that is a sophisticated tool for keeping track of your food and exercising habits. I like it because it has a built-in library of thousands of foods (including brand names), so you can just look up a food, add it to your log, and then have a ton of information recorded about your nutrient intake! Plus, the app has a great user interface. I especially enjoy the cute little icons next to the different types of food and exercise. You can also set up a free account and use their website, and create goals. I highly recommend it if you're looking for an easy way to have a bit of accountability to make healthier choices.
I have been trying a ton of new recipes, mostly from the Cooking Light Complete Cookbook that I bought a few weeks ago (courtesy of the Borders bankruptcy, so sad). Salads, tomato-basil soup, glazed carrots, garlic red potatoes... It has been fun to learn some new recipes, as well as how to change recipes to make them healthier, while still flavorful. Next up on my to-do list: panko oven fried chicken and eggplant parmesan lasagna!
One of the biggest exercise challenges is that, now that I am done with school and am not living in a fancy apartment complex, I no longer have access to a nice gym. I confess, I didn't use the gyms to which I had access in DC in VA nearly as much as I should have; nonetheless, the ability to exercise regularly seems even more daunting without access to cardio equipment, a weight training circuit, and yoga classes. I could spring for a gym membership somewhere, but I don't think it would be financially wise given my employment status. Plus, I don't have a car, so getting to a gym would be inconvenient--and, knowing my weak proclivity for gym usage, it has to be convenient for there to be any chance that I'll use it.
Instead of the gym, I've decided to make my bicycle my main source of exercise. I've always loved bike riding, and my favorite types of exercise are those disguised as fun. Plus, there are a ton of bike lanes and paths in the South Bay, so I won't get bored.
The exercise aspect of my health kick has been off to a rocky start the past couple of weeks, because I fell off of my bike only a few days after tuning it up, which led to a terrible infection in two big scrapes on the top of my left foot, and a third scrape on my left knee. It felt a bit ridiculous that I fell off of my bike for the first time in perhaps 15 years, and immediately got an infection. My skateboarding brother always has some sort of open sore festering on his body, and he has never gotten an infection! So not fair. The infection required a week's worth of oral antibiotics, as well as an ointment applied three times daily. It took six days for a real scab to start forming. And, the antibiotics made me extremely sensitive to sunlight, so I ended up breaking out into delightful sunburn hives for a couple of days. Not exactly conducive to exercise.
Thankfully, I am now fully scabbed over, and the hives are fading, so I can resume exercising as a complement to healthy food choices. I started off with a five-mile ride through my neighborhood to gauge my level of endurance, and didn't find it very taxing, so I think I'll up the ante a bit. My goal is to be able to ride from my house to Baylands Park, which is about 16 miles round trip, and follows a great designated bike path separated from auto traffic most of the way.
While I wouldn't consider myself to be on a "diet" (see above re: cookies), I will say that I am trying to make healthier choices. When I was at Cal, some of my PE classes (yoga, step aerobics) required us to keep a log of our eating habits, to make us more aware of our choices. I found the practice to be a very helpful form of accountability. Before eating, I found myself thinking, "Do I really want to have to write down that I ate that many cookies?" As a result, I would make better choices while keeping the log, and felt better about how I was caring for myself.
One of the biggest exercise challenges is that, now that I am done with school and am not living in a fancy apartment complex, I no longer have access to a nice gym. I confess, I didn't use the gyms to which I had access in DC in VA nearly as much as I should have; nonetheless, the ability to exercise regularly seems even more daunting without access to cardio equipment, a weight training circuit, and yoga classes. I could spring for a gym membership somewhere, but I don't think it would be financially wise given my employment status. Plus, I don't have a car, so getting to a gym would be inconvenient--and, knowing my weak proclivity for gym usage, it has to be convenient for there to be any chance that I'll use it.
Instead of the gym, I've decided to make my bicycle my main source of exercise. I've always loved bike riding, and my favorite types of exercise are those disguised as fun. Plus, there are a ton of bike lanes and paths in the South Bay, so I won't get bored.
Thankfully, I am now fully scabbed over, and the hives are fading, so I can resume exercising as a complement to healthy food choices. I started off with a five-mile ride through my neighborhood to gauge my level of endurance, and didn't find it very taxing, so I think I'll up the ante a bit. My goal is to be able to ride from my house to Baylands Park, which is about 16 miles round trip, and follows a great designated bike path separated from auto traffic most of the way.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Sugar & Spice Owl Cookies
I have a bookmarks folder for recipes that I want to try. Since last March, I have been hoping for the right occasion to make Sugar & Spice Owl Cookies (which I learned about via My Owl Barn). Well, when I learned about the potluck to wish farewell to Amanda J., who is a smartypants starting an MPH program at Boston University this fall, I knew this was my chance!
I followed the directions in the recipe link precisely, and they came out wonderfully. So, I won't rehash the directions here. However, I did want to post some photographs from the process...
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
How Now Brown Cow
For years, I've been avoiding yogurt. I just didn't like the way it tasted, its texture, its smell... There was no redeeming quality to sustain me through an entire serving. I was jealous of all of my friends who ate yogurt like it was an amazing treat--why couldn't I be like them? What was I missing?!
Well, all of that changed last week, when I discovered that my problem was buying the wrong yogurt. Whenever I had given yogurt a chance in the past, I bought Yoplait, or the grocery store brand. Last week, however, I found myself in a Sprouts, looking to purchase some vanilla yogurt for a chunky strawberry topper recipe. Incidentally, Sprouts has a fantastic selection of bulk foods, including over a dozen types of granola. I recommend their strawberry vanilla hemp granola.
I wanted a container of yogurt with a lid, because the recipe only calls for four tablespoons, and I knew I would be making the recipe repeatedly. So, I grabbed some Brown Cow nonfat vanilla yogurt, and hoped for the best.
It is delicious! I licked the spoon after I measured what I needed in my recipe, and I was very pleasantly surprised. It's different than the other yogurts I have tasted. The texture is less goopy, and more soupy, which I find far more palatable. The taste actually brings to mind vanilla, albeit with a tangy finish. And, when paired with granola and fruit, it provides just the right amount of creaminess and substance to create a great breakfast.
I'm somewhat finicky when it comes to food. There are a lot of foods on my "ew, gross" list. It's situations like this that make me glad that I give those foods a second chance.
Do you like yogurt? What brand, and how do you like to eat it?
Well, all of that changed last week, when I discovered that my problem was buying the wrong yogurt. Whenever I had given yogurt a chance in the past, I bought Yoplait, or the grocery store brand. Last week, however, I found myself in a Sprouts, looking to purchase some vanilla yogurt for a chunky strawberry topper recipe. Incidentally, Sprouts has a fantastic selection of bulk foods, including over a dozen types of granola. I recommend their strawberry vanilla hemp granola.I wanted a container of yogurt with a lid, because the recipe only calls for four tablespoons, and I knew I would be making the recipe repeatedly. So, I grabbed some Brown Cow nonfat vanilla yogurt, and hoped for the best.
I'm somewhat finicky when it comes to food. There are a lot of foods on my "ew, gross" list. It's situations like this that make me glad that I give those foods a second chance.
Do you like yogurt? What brand, and how do you like to eat it?
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Banner Revue
In honor of my most recent blog layout update, I thought I'd do a post looking back at my banners from the past three years. Ah, memories...
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| July 2008 My first banner, in honor of St. Thomas More. |
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| November 2008 SCOTUS: symbolic not only of the first semester my legal education, but also of blossoming love of DC. |
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| March 2009 From a neat brick building in Rosslyn, VA. |
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| August 2009 I love this photo from the Korea War Veterans Memorial. |
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| May 2010 When I think of my blog, this is still the banner that pops into my head. |
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| April 2011 Revelations--get it? From the Lawrence Caltrain platform. |
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| May 2011 The train motif was a good symbol for barreling toward the bar exam. |
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| July 2011 Alibi's pensive stare reflects my own curiosity about the future... |
Loyal reader, is your blog in need of a new banner? Comment with an idea or photo (and the desired size) and I'd be happy to try my hand at making you one, what with all of my newfound free time!
It's Over
I finished the bar exam! The past three days haven't been too bad. The essays were fair--nothing out of left field--and I even got a couple of topics that I was hoping for (though, I also got my least favorite topic). I always enjoy the performance tests, because it reminds me of my past internships. The big question in my mind is the MBE--I can never tell how I did on the multiple choice.
Yesterday, a fire alarm went off at the Santa Clara Convention Center (where I took the bar exam) with a half hour to go in our morning MBE. It was pretty ridiculous. First they told us to evacuate, then they told us to stay put. It only took a few minutes to get the alarm to stop, but the flashing lights continued for an additional ten minutes. And, the proctors were all buzzing about, trying to figure out what was going on. It was rather distracting, but thankfully I only had a couple of questions left at that point, so I wasn't upset when then didn't even give us extra time to make up for the disruption. I was rather amused that the incident made Above the Law.
At any rate, it's over, and now I can relax and wait for the results (mid-November). Thanks to everyone for the ongoing support. Your prayers and encouragement have meant a lot to me these past few months.
I'm excited that I'll be taking a small bar trip with my mommy this weekend to Los Angeles. I scored tickets to Monday's taping of Conan, and I am really looking forward to it! I have been a fan of Conan for so long... It will be great to see him in person! Plus, Harrison Ford is one of Monday's guests. We're staying at the Millennium Biltmore, which looks like a swanky place. I wish I had time to visit SoCal friends while I am in town, but I'll be spending all of my time with my mom, so I guess I will simply have to make time for another LA trip soon.
Yesterday, a fire alarm went off at the Santa Clara Convention Center (where I took the bar exam) with a half hour to go in our morning MBE. It was pretty ridiculous. First they told us to evacuate, then they told us to stay put. It only took a few minutes to get the alarm to stop, but the flashing lights continued for an additional ten minutes. And, the proctors were all buzzing about, trying to figure out what was going on. It was rather distracting, but thankfully I only had a couple of questions left at that point, so I wasn't upset when then didn't even give us extra time to make up for the disruption. I was rather amused that the incident made Above the Law.
At any rate, it's over, and now I can relax and wait for the results (mid-November). Thanks to everyone for the ongoing support. Your prayers and encouragement have meant a lot to me these past few months.
I'm excited that I'll be taking a small bar trip with my mommy this weekend to Los Angeles. I scored tickets to Monday's taping of Conan, and I am really looking forward to it! I have been a fan of Conan for so long... It will be great to see him in person! Plus, Harrison Ford is one of Monday's guests. We're staying at the Millennium Biltmore, which looks like a swanky place. I wish I had time to visit SoCal friends while I am in town, but I'll be spending all of my time with my mom, so I guess I will simply have to make time for another LA trip soon.
Monday, July 25, 2011
The Olympia Post
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| Click image to enlarge... |
Vintage typewriters are in style again - SF Chronicle
Click, Clack, Ding! Sigh ... - NY Times
Let's get down to business!
We must be swift as the coursing river
With all the force of a great typhoon
With all the strength of a raging fire
Mysterious as the dark side of the moon
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Toilet Paper Roll Owl
Because tiny, silly study breaks are the main thing keeping me sane with one week left until the bar exam, I present to you: the toilet paper roll owl!
I am an avid follower of My Owl Barn, which is a blog that posts cute owl things every day. A couple of weeks ago, they posted an adorable DIY about making owls out of toilet paper rolls. As the old saying goes: when life hands you empty toilet paper rolls, make owls.
Now, back to memorizing hearsay exceptions.
I am an avid follower of My Owl Barn, which is a blog that posts cute owl things every day. A couple of weeks ago, they posted an adorable DIY about making owls out of toilet paper rolls. As the old saying goes: when life hands you empty toilet paper rolls, make owls.
Now, back to memorizing hearsay exceptions.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
The August August List
Things I want to do when the bar exam is over, in no particular order:
Bar studying is going well enough, but I keep daydreaming about two weeks from now, when I'll be free. For the first time in my life, I won't need to study. I am really looking forward to being a human being who doesn't feel guilty about having fun.
- See HP7 Part 2
- Throw a party
- Go to the beach
- Catch up on Conan, Jon, and Stephen
- Go for a hike
- Write a ton of letters
- Go wine tasting in Napa
- Write captions for my law school photo album
- Tune up my bicycle
- Catch up on my crossword puzzle desk calendar
- Sew some casual jersey skirts
- Sign up for some volunteer projects
- Play Scrabble
- Try out some new recipes
- Read for pleasure
- See the Steins Collection at SFMOMA
Bar studying is going well enough, but I keep daydreaming about two weeks from now, when I'll be free. For the first time in my life, I won't need to study. I am really looking forward to being a human being who doesn't feel guilty about having fun.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Dresser Kitten
I find it unbelievable that Alibi can fit underneath my dresser:
Oh, man, I've finally contributed to the abundance of cat videos that made up approximately 65% of the Internet.
Oh, man, I've finally contributed to the abundance of cat videos that made up approximately 65% of the Internet.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
The D.C. To-Do List: An Archive
This is an archival posting of my successfully completed D.C. To-Do List, which has served its purpose, and therefore will no longer grace the sidebar of this blog. Follow the hyperlinked dates to the relevant blog posts. What a delightful list of three years of D.C. memories.
To-Do List:
To-Do List:
Two Weeks
The bar exam begins two weeks from this Tuesday. I began attending Barbri (a bar exam review course) literally six hours after touching down in CA, and have been diligently practicing the multiple choice, essays, and performance tests in the 16 testable subject areas. I have shied away from fun as much as possible (with a few allowances for kittens, weddings, and birthdays).
Yet, I have no idea whether I will pass this exam. I never know how well I have done on a practice test after I complete it until I grade it. I feel extremely nervous about this exam, and sometimes I have a hard time managing my fears of failure. I am generally a good standardized test taker, but this exam is different. Memorization does not come naturally to me, and I didn't take courses in half of the subjects that are tested on the exam. As the exam draws nearer, my anxiety makes it more difficult for me to concentrate, and I have vivid daymares about what it will feel like to log on to check the exam results in November, only to discover that I failed the exam, and have to relive the entire process for the February administration.
No matter how much I study, it does not feel like enough. The Barbri teachers continually remind us that all the bar examiners are looking for is "minimal competency" of a first year lawyer, but sometimes I don't even feel competent. I know that such negative thinking can become a self-fulfilling prophecy, because it detracts from my ability to adequately prepare, but that knowledge makes me stressed out about being stressed out. And, it's been difficult to go through the entire Barbri course without any friends at SCU Law; while everyone chats and laughs during the breaks, I feel isolated.
I need to turn this mental state around. Last week, I discovered a bust of St. Thomas More--the patron saint of lawyers--in the basement level of the SCU Library. It was a friendly face during a moment of mental negativity, and reminded me that I am not alone in this endeavor. When I started this blog (three years ago this Thursday), I had St. Thomas More on my heart, and took the title of my blog from his prayer. I have been doing most of my studying in study rooms in the SCU Library because they have huge whiteboards, which are helpful for visualizing and memorizing subject outlines for essays. Lately, the first thing I've been writing in a corner of the board is "St. Thomas More, pray for me," a little reminder that I cannot and should not do this alone. When self-doubt creeps into my head, I need to take a deep breath, and pray.
One of our Barbri professors told us that our job in the next two weeks is not to decide whether or not we're going to pass the exam--that is the job of the examiners, not us. I am really taking that advice to heart. These final two weeks of study, I will not focus on whether or not I am going to pass or fail, but whether or not I am doing everything in my power to enter the Santa Clara Convention Center on Tuesday, July 26th feeling calm, confident, and in control. I will treat the exam as an opportunity to demonstrate what I do know, rather than a measure of what I do not know. And, as so many of my Barbri teachers have recommended, when I am confronted with a question and do not know what the law is, I will do what all good lawyers do: make it up. :-)
Keep me in your prayers, friends, and I look forward to being able to celebrate the end of the bar exam with you soon.
Yet, I have no idea whether I will pass this exam. I never know how well I have done on a practice test after I complete it until I grade it. I feel extremely nervous about this exam, and sometimes I have a hard time managing my fears of failure. I am generally a good standardized test taker, but this exam is different. Memorization does not come naturally to me, and I didn't take courses in half of the subjects that are tested on the exam. As the exam draws nearer, my anxiety makes it more difficult for me to concentrate, and I have vivid daymares about what it will feel like to log on to check the exam results in November, only to discover that I failed the exam, and have to relive the entire process for the February administration.
No matter how much I study, it does not feel like enough. The Barbri teachers continually remind us that all the bar examiners are looking for is "minimal competency" of a first year lawyer, but sometimes I don't even feel competent. I know that such negative thinking can become a self-fulfilling prophecy, because it detracts from my ability to adequately prepare, but that knowledge makes me stressed out about being stressed out. And, it's been difficult to go through the entire Barbri course without any friends at SCU Law; while everyone chats and laughs during the breaks, I feel isolated.
One of our Barbri professors told us that our job in the next two weeks is not to decide whether or not we're going to pass the exam--that is the job of the examiners, not us. I am really taking that advice to heart. These final two weeks of study, I will not focus on whether or not I am going to pass or fail, but whether or not I am doing everything in my power to enter the Santa Clara Convention Center on Tuesday, July 26th feeling calm, confident, and in control. I will treat the exam as an opportunity to demonstrate what I do know, rather than a measure of what I do not know. And, as so many of my Barbri teachers have recommended, when I am confronted with a question and do not know what the law is, I will do what all good lawyers do: make it up. :-)
Keep me in your prayers, friends, and I look forward to being able to celebrate the end of the bar exam with you soon.
Monday, June 13, 2011
From DC to CA
Since my last post, I have...
Gone on a tour of the White House,
Visited the Franciscan Monastery and gardens,
Graduated from law school,
Begun to study for the California Bar Exam,
Purchased some new shoes, and
Adopted a kitten named Alibi!
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