To Love God and Neighbor

Let us remember Paul VI’s words: “For the Catholic Church, no one is a stranger, no one is excluded, no one is far away” (Homily for the closing of the Second Vatican Council, 8 December 1965). Indeed, we are a single human family that is journeying on toward unity, making the most of solidarity and dialogue among peoples in the multiplicity of differences.
- Pope Francis, Address of Holy Father Francis to Participants in the Plenary of the Pontifical Council for the Pastoral Care of Migrants and Itinerant People

You tell us that to love God and neighbour is not something abstract, but profoundly concrete: it means seeing in every person the face of the Lord to be served, to serve him concretely. And you are, dear brothers and sisters, the face of Jesus.
- Pope Francis, Visit at the Homeless Shelter "Dono di Maria": Meeting with the Missionaries of Charity

As most of my readers know, I was very active in two organizations at UC Berkeley: the Beta Chapter of Alpha Delta Chi Christian Sorority and the student ministry at Newman Hall Holy Spirit Parish. I pledged ADX in Spring of 2005, and was an active member for seven of my eight semesters, serving as Secretary, Administrative Vice President, President, and Devotional Chair. At Newman, I served as a Seekers Bible Study leader for five semesters, and on the Student Ministry Team for three semesters. These two organizations were the most important parts of my college experience, teaching me how to own my faith, how to have a personal relationship with God, and what it means to be a member of a community.

I say all this to set the context for just how upset it made me to see two articles released this week, which I would characterize as the larger institutions to which these two organizations belong failing to show Christ's love towards the LGBTQ community.

The Land of Milk and (Sugar)

Joyeux Mardi Gras!

The three traditional pillars of Lenten observance are prayer, fasting, and almsgiving (or, as Busted Halo likes to say, Fast Pray Give). This year, I wanted to make sure I'm covering all three through my Lenten commitments.

Prayer: This Lent is a "back to basics" moment for me. I am recommitting to attending Mass on Sundays, which I confess I have not been doing on a regular basis for a while now. Part of it is that I'm not in love with any of the parishes at my disposal, but a larger part is sheer laziness. So what if it takes a half-hour to get to St. Dominic's by bus? God has blessed me in immeasurable ways, and the very least I can do is take two hours a week to thank him.

Fasting: Every morning, I have a cup of coffee at home while reading the news and catching up on blogs. Although some of the snobbier coffee connoisseurs in my life berate me *coughAlancough*, it's how I prefer to take my coffee. While trying to figure out what to give up for Lent, I ran across this great list. #38 on the list is to give up cream and sugar in your coffee. I like the idea, because it is a built-in daily reminder of the Lenten season. Each morning, as I drink my bitter coffee, I will reflect on Christ's sacrifices for us.

Almsgiving: Almsgiving is about more than donating money--it's about charitable acts as well. So, I am going to write letters of affirmation to some of the people in my life who inspire me (at least one a week), and donate some money in honor of each person to a charity that they like.

What are you doing (or not doing) for Lent?  What do you want to get out of this Lenten season?

In Which I Quote Christian Stuff at You

Chris and I have been reading some good things lately for our weekly Catholic chat via Skype.

The Problem of Pain

During the month of October, we read The Problem of Pain by C.S. Lewis.  I've always loved C.S. Lewis, from my childhood readings of the classic Chronicles of Narnia to my later explorations of his Christian writings such as Mere Christianity and The Screwtape Letters.  Lewis does such a wonderful job of presenting arguments with clear examples that shed light on difficult concepts.

In the first chapter, I enjoy Lewis's treatment of the question often raised--if God is good, then why doesn't he make everyone perfectly happy?  Either He isn't good, or he lacks the power to make everyone happy, or perhaps both.  Lewis makes a very elaborate argument about suffering being a necessary element of a world that also contains free will, which I will not attempt to summarize here.  But, I did want to share this quote:

Meaningless combinations of words do not suddenly acquire meaning simply because we prefix them to the other words 'God can'.  It remains true that all things are possible with God: the intrinsic impossibilities are not things but nonentitites.  It is no more possible for God than for the weakest of His creatures to carry out both of two mutually exclusive alternatives; not because His power meets an obstacle, but because nonsense remains nonsense even when we talk it about God.

Mm, logic.

I also loved this quote:

When we want to be something other than the thing God wants us to be, we must be wanting what, in fact, will not make us happy.

I was rather surprised that one of the chapters was on Animal Pain, which struck me as a bit incongruous with the flow of the book in general.  He argues that animals are sentient but lack selfhood in a way that supports immortal souls.  However, along the way, he rejects other, weaker arguments against the immortality of animals.  My favorite is this:

Nor am I greatly moved by jocular inquiries such as 'Where will you put all the mosquitoes?'--a question to be answered on its own level by pointing out that, if the worst came to the worst, a heaven for mosquitoes and a hell for men could very conveniently be combined.

Ha!  True that.

Pope Francis

Chris and I are about to start St. Bonaventure's The Life of Saint Francis of Assisi, followed by Introduction to the Devout Life by St. Francis de Sales.  However, we took a week off from our longer readings to explore the America Magazine interview with Pope Francis.  There were a number of wonderful things said during the interview, and I would encourage everyone to read it.  I particularly enjoyed his emphasis that he is a sinner, that he practices discernment in all things, that he sees holiness in patience, and that uncertainty in discernment is leaving room for the Lord.

There was one part of the interview that has been quoted repeatedly by the media, around the idea of focusing less on divisive issues such as gay marriage and abortion.  I was excited about this from the first moment I read it, but all the more so in reading it in the context of a discussion of the Church as a field hospital for the world:

We cannot insist only on issues related to abortion, gay marriage and the use of contraceptive methods. This is not possible. I have not spoken much about these things, and I was reprimanded for that. But when we speak about these issues, we have to talk about them in a context. The teaching of the church, for that matter, is clear and I am a son of the church, but it is not necessary to talk about these issues all the time. 

 The dogmatic and moral teachings of the church are not all equivalent. The church’s pastoral ministry cannot be obsessed with the transmission of a disjointed multitude of doctrines to be imposed insistently. Proclamation in a missionary style focuses on the essentials, on the necessary things: this is also what fascinates and attracts more, what makes the heart burn, as it did for the disciples at Emmaus. We have to find a new balance; otherwise even the moral edifice of the church is likely to fall like a house of cards, losing the freshness and fragrance of the Gospel. The proposal of the Gospel must be more simple, profound, radiant. It is from this proposition that the moral consequences then flow.

I love this idea that we should focus on sharing a "simple, profound, radiant" Gospel, and everything else will fall into place. I have found Pope Francis's emphasis on simplicity and the preferential option for the poor to be extremely heartening, and cannot wait to see what his papacy holds for the world.

Have you read anything inspirational lately?

A Lenten Commit-meat

Happy Mardi Gras, faithful readers!

Enveloped in a busy couple of months of setting up my new apartment, fervent grant writing, and dutiful studying for the bar exam, I confess I have neglected my dear blog.  So, I thought I'd stop in and offer a few reflections as I prepare for this season of Lent.

This year, I have decided to give up meat.  The last time I gave up meat for Lent was my freshman year of college.  It was a significant experience for me on a number of levels.  Spiritually, I had a reminder multiple times per day of my dependence on God.  Personally, I learned a lot about nutrition and how to make healthy choices for myself.  Deliciously, I discovered hummus.

After going 40 days without meat, I didn't feel a particular desire to become a vegetarian, but it did challenge my childhood conditioning that a meal has to be centered around meat.  To this day, I don't eat very much meat--probably most often when I go out to eat, or am home with my family.

An additional inspiration for giving up meat this year is my boyfriend, Alan, who is a vegetarian.  (Hi, Alan!)  We've been sharing a lot of meals, even cooking some together, so it will dovetail nicely, providing me with some extra encouragement.

I will also be taking on some spiritual practices during Lent.  I plan on praying the Rosary each evening, because my prayer life has been a little lackluster lately.  I also want to read at least one of the Catholic books sitting on my shelf--possibly The Jesuit Guide to (Almost) Everything by Fr. James Martin.  You might recognize the name if you're a regular viewer of The Colbert Report, as Fr. Jim is the chaplain of the Colbert nation.  Indeed, he was on the program just last night, discussing the resignation of the Pope:

The Colbert Report
Get More: Colbert Report Full Episodes,Political Humor & Satire Blog,Video Archive

What are you giving up for Lent?

Coming Home

This week has been exciting, unexpected, and a bit nostalgic.   On Wednesday, I began a three-month staff lawyer contract position with  HomeBase!  I am extraordinarily fond of HomeBase, as it was the location of my first legal internship.  I interviewed for a position with them back in March (in fact, on the day after the bar exam ended), but they weren't able to hire me at that time.  Then, on Monday, I got an email from my old supervisor asking me if I'd be interested in some contract work.  I said "Absolutely!" and got a call from the executive director on Tuesday night, asking me to come in Wednesday.  So whirlwind!  For now it is a full-time contract position, but there is serious potential for it to turn into a permanent position.

It all happened so quickly, I didn't even have time to let it sink in and become really excited about it.  It's strange, because it doesn't feel like a "new" job; having already worked there for a summer, I mostly just feel nostalgic.  Indeed, reading over my posts from the summer of 2009, I realized that the last time I did Bay to Breakers (which I'm doing next weekend), I was working for HomeBase!  It's all coming full circle.

This changes everything.  I have an income (and can buy stuff).  I have a plausible path to a permanent position, which would enable me to get my own place and reassert my independence.  I can start repaying my student loans.  Most of all, this gives me a huge psychological boost on my bar exam results coming out next week.  Even if I don't pass, knowing I am employed makes me feel a lot better about it.  (And, because HomeBase mostly does policy work, bar admission isn't a requirement to work there.)  My heart is full of joy and thanksgiving.


Sing a new song to the LORD,
for he has done marvelous deeds.
His right hand and holy arm
have won the victory.
The LORD has made his victory known;
has revealed his triumph in the sight of the nations,
He has remembered his mercy and faithfulness
toward the house of Israel.
All the ends of the earth have seen
the victory of our God.


Shout with joy to the LORD, all the earth;
break into song; sing praise.
Sing praise to the LORD with the lyre,
with the lyre and melodious song.
With trumpets and the sound of the horn
shout with joy to the King, the LORD.


Let the sea and what fills it resound,
the world and those who dwell there.
Let the rivers clap their hands,
the mountains shout with them for joy,
Before the LORD who comes,
who comes to govern the earth,
To govern the world with justice
and the peoples with fairness.

- Psalm 98

Deserting Desserts

Lent is my favorite liturgical season.  It is a very effective impetus for changing day-to-day habits in a way that brings me closer to God.  I've been pondering many different Lenten disciplines...  Over the past few years, I've given up meat, coffee, and even elevators, I've prayed the Rosary daily, I've read Scripture daily, I've fasted weekly, and I've tried focusing on a different virtue for each day of the week.  The past few years have been more abstract, but I think this Lent, I'd like to return to the classic Lenten practice abhorred by children everywhere: giving up desserts.

Alibi will help me by guarding the fridge.

Living on my own, desserts haven't been a major issue.  It's simple: if you don't buy them, then you don't eat them.  But, now that I'm living with my family, there is constant temptation!  Chocolates, ice cream, cakes, cookies, pastries...  There is always something sweet in our kitchen, and I have not been employing much self-control.  So, I will be using this Lent to reign in that lack of discipline, and focus instead on the sweetness of prayer.  What better dessert for a meal than prayer?  To complement giving up desserts, I plan on praying the Rosary each evening this Lent.

A couple of caveats on giving up desserts.  First, I will not be practicing this discipline on Sundays.  Traditionally, Sundays "don't count" as a part of Lent, because one does not fast when the bridegroom is present.  So, desserts are allowed on Sundays, but not to excess.  Second, birthday cake on a family member's birthday is allowed.  My dad and my brother both have birthdays during Lent this year, and I want to be able to celebrate with them.  But otherwise, no desserts!

I'll be using some discretion as to what counts as a dessert. Sweet breakfast foods are strangely ambiguous.  I think a good demarcation is icing/frosting.  So, no donuts, but some muffins; no filled croissants, but plain ones; no coffee cakes, but some breakfast breads...  Basically, if I would feel guilty about it, I won't eat it.

What are you giving up for Lent this year?

Daffodils

It's two weeks until the bar exam, and I'm feeling a lot more at peace with it than I was at this point over the summer.  I've been very focused on practice exams for the MBE (the multiple choice section), which was where I fell short in July.  I have plenty more studying to do before the real deal, but I think my attitude is making a difference this time around.  I've been letting myself take breaks, setting realistic study schedules, and don't have to deal with the fear of the unknown (since I've taken it before).

My dear Georgetown Law friend Maya sent me a wonderful book of Daily Reflections for Bar Exam Study, which I've been reading each morning.  It has contained a lot of helpful reminders, including that the exam is not a measure of me as a person, that worrying is not productive, that it's okay to take breaks, and that I have many blessings in my life.  It's been nice to set the tone for my day with those reflections, and I will definitely be passing this book along to friends taking the exam in future years.

I haven't blogged about dating before, but with Valentine's Day around the corner, I wanted to share that I've been trying out online dating.  For a while, I've had negative views of online dating.  I felt like meeting someone online would be akin to giving up on "real" dating.  But, after watching several friends try out OkCupid and other sites, I began to realize that online dating doesn't mean you aren't still meeting people through more traditional channels.  Rather, it gives you the opportunity to meet people you might not otherwise encounter--and, that's good!

So, I set up a profile, answered a ton of questions about myself, and started receiving (and sending) messages!  So far, I've been on a couple dates with one guy who was very sweet, intelligent, and entertaining, but I didn't feel a romantic attraction, so we decided to just be friends.  I've been messaging some other interesting guys, and am excited to go on more dates.  Now that I'm back in the Bay Area, I finally feel like I don't have school or an impending cross-country move to stop me from pursuing a long-term relationship.  We'll see what happens!

Speaking of being back in California, I am really enjoying our spring weather in February.  This morning, I spotted some wild daffodils growing in our side yard, so I dug up the bulbs and potted them.  The yellow flowers add a refreshing splash of color to my desk!  Here's Alibi, being a good kitten who doesn't dig up plants (we'll see how long that lasts...):

Bible in a Year

I have one more resolution to add to my list: read the Bible and the Catechism in one year.  Despite working on my prayer life and finding fellowship, the reality is that scripture was somewhat absent from my life last year.  Plus, 2012 is a leap year, so that gives me plenty of extra time, right?

I started poking around for schedules for reading the entire Bible over the course of a year.  Being Catholic (and, okay, perhaps a bit of an overachiever), I wanted a schedule that included the Deuterocanonical books.  Google led me to this guide published by the Coming Home Network, which also includes a schedule to read the entire Catechism in a year!  It had not occurred to me to include the Catechism, but I love the idea.  So, I will be reading the entire Bible and Catechism this year.  Who's with me?!*

In a similar vein of long-term objectives, I will also mention that I've started a new journaling project: the One Line a Day five-year memory book.  The concept is simple: everyone has time to jot down one or two sentences of reflection about their day, no excuses.  Each page is devoted to a single day, with space for five years' worth of reflections.  So, as you continue to use the journal year after year, you get to compare what you were thinking on the same day in previous years.  I heard about the journal from Monica, and I am enjoying it so far!

* Alternately, if you don't have time to read the Bible in a year, perhaps you at least have time for Bible in a Minute?

EDIT: I modified the CHN guide to include the dates for 2012, available here.

The 2011 Eleven

2011 was a significant year for me.  Both joyful and challenging, the following eleven events sum up the most consequential moments of the year.

Resolute Reflection

Throughout law school, my list of New Year's Resolutions has been short and sweet:

• Keep in touch with friends
• Get to know D.C. like a local
• Read for pleasure
• Use my time wisely
• Pray without ceasing
• Make healthy choices

Overall, I have done pretty well with the list this year.  2011 has been a year of reconnecting with old friends, especially since moving back to California.  And, I am very pleased to be staying in touch with my D.C. friends, all of whom I miss so much.  Indeed, writing Christmas cards each year is always an exercise in counting my blessings.

I definitely got to know D.C. like a local these past three years, and this year wrapped up my D.C. to-do list.  Much was accomplished during Chris' visit on Presidents' Day Weekend.  We went to the top of the Old Post Office Tower, saw the Ghost Clock at the Renwick Gallery, watched money being made at the Bureau of Engraving and Printing, and went to the National Building Museum.  I also checked off some big to-do's during my family's visit for my graduation: a tour of the White House, and a visit to the Franciscan Monastery.  And, that's to say nothing of the recurring D.C. adventures I went on, including Mount Vernon, walking the monuments at night with Jess, many trips to the various Smithsonians, and quiet afternoons at the Basilica of the National Shrine.  I miss D.C., and hope that I'll have the opportunity to visit this spring.

I am happy to report that reading for pleasure has picked up this year.  Still Thinking, the virtual book club, has been a great source of accountability for reading.  This year, we read Machine of Death, Shakespeare's Kitchen, A Time to Kill, Across the Universe, Devil in the White City, The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks, The Hunger Games trilogy, and are currently reading The House of God.  I think my favorite was Machine of Death, which is an anthology of short stories inspired by this comic.  It was at once macabre, hilarious, and thought-provoking.  Plus, you can read the book online for free!  My reading also experienced a sharp uptick after I received a Kindle as a graduation present from my parents.  I was a bit hesitant about using an e-reader at first, but now I love it.  In addition to my book club books, I also read Bossypants by Tina Fey, Packing for Mars, The Pun also Rises, and am in the middle of the second book of A Song of Ice and Fire (the Game of Thrones series).  Still not nearly as many books as I used to read pre-law school, but a step in the right direction.

Using my time wisely is always a difficult resolution.  There are so many distractions in this world, and the Internet is the biggest temptation for me.  I can easily whittle away hours reading online.  However, especially in light of my upcoming bar exam at the end of February, maintaining this resolution will be of the utmost importance.

I would not go so far as to characterize my prayer life as "praying without ceasing," but there has been progress in this area of my life, most significantly this autumn as I began to meet up regularly with Monica, Ariana, and Shauna for conversations about The Holy Longing, by Ronald Rolheiser.  I am so blessed to have people in my life who challenge me to grow, and support me when I am struggling.

Making healthy choices waxes and wanes.  To be honest, it's been more difficult since I've moved home, because there is less walking in the suburbs, I don't have access to a gym, and I don't have as much control over food selection (and, keeping temptations out of reach).  However, I have been doing more cooking using healthy recipes, and my bicycle has gotten a lot of use.  Still, some room for improvement.

Accordingly, these are my resolutions for 2012:

• Keep in touch with friends
• Read for pleasure
• Use my time wisely
• Pray without ceasing
• Make healthy choices
• Try new recipes
• Do more photography
• Study Spanish

2011 was a momentous year for me in so many ways (a retrospective is forthcoming), and I cannot wait to see what 2012 will bring.  In the meantime, I wish you all a very Merry Christmas!

Advent Retreat

Last Saturday, I attended a day-long young adult Advent retreat hosted by the Dominican Sisters of Mission San Jose.  I went with Monica and Ariana, two good friends from Newman.  We didn't know what  to expect--would it be lame?  Would it be awesome?  Indeed, one of the ice breakers at the beginning of the day asked us with which punctuation mark we most identified, and I said colon because I was curious to see what would happen next.

As it turns out, the retreat was awesome.  There were 24 attendees, including some great new friends that I hope to see again.  The retreat was led by Sister Rebecca, who was spirited, played the guitar with extraordinary gusto, and was one of the most sincere people I've ever met.

The day was broken up into four sessions centered around Advent themes: invitation, preparation, celebration, and transformation.  I was particularly struck by the session on celebration, which reinforced for me that we need to rejoice in God throughout the year, not just during certain liturgical seasons.  I enjoyed the opportunity to refocus on the meaning of Advent, because it's very easy to get caught up in the busyness and stress of preparing for Christmas.

The grounds of the Dominican Motherhouse are right next to Mission San Jose, and they are beautiful.  After lunch, one of the nuns gave us a tour, and told us a little bit about the history of the Dominican Sisters in the Bay Area.  A few sisters were sent from Brooklyn out to San Francisco to teach at a school in the late 1800's, including a Sister Amanda, who was only 17 years old.  Some of the parents were concerned that she was not old enough to teach their children.  So, as the story goes, Sister Amanda wrote  the number "21" on a slip of paper, and placed it in her shoe.  When parents would ask her how old she was, she would reply, "I'm over 21."  Well played, Sister Amanda.

All of the nuns I met were so encouraging.  We found out at the end of the day that a sister had signed up to pray for each of us all day, which was touching.  The retreat ended with confession, Mass, and dinner.  It was a tranquil, joyous day, and exactly what my spirit needed.  They offer another free retreat for Lent that is an overnighter, and I plan on being there!

Gratitude

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving.  This was my first time being home for Thanksgiving in three years, so it meant a lot to me.  It was also my first Thanksgiving without my Nana, and her absence was felt, but I'm thankful that she's in a better place.  I enjoyed spending the day cooking with my mom.  In addition to all of our traditional dishes, we tried something new: mini pumpkin pies baked in cupcake tins!  They were incredible, and will definitely be a new tradition for us.

My family and I went around and named some of the things for which we are thankful this year.  It was a positive exercise for me, especially since I'm still coming to terms with my bar exam results.  Here are some of the things I mentioned:

• Going to Jamaica for my human rights fact-finding mission
• My experience as managing editor of the Poverty Journal
• The Catholic community at Georgetown Law
• Graduating from law school
• My new kittens
• My iPhone, which connects me with so many people I love
• My friends in DC, who are doing a great job of keeping in touch
• The support of so many friends during and after the bar exam
• Having a family willing and able to take me in during my bar exam studies and un(der)employment

That last line is the most significant for me.  I have been graced with the luxury of being able to wait for the right job opportunity, and to focus on my bar exam studies.  Despite the bumps in the road that I've faced this year, overall I am extremely blessed.

I got some good news from Georgetown: they're willing to extend my stipend to work with the Center for Gender & Refugee Studies!  So, although today was supposed to be the last day of my three-month fellowship at CGRS--indeed, they took me out for a delicious farewell lunch of Burmese food* yesterday--I will actually be working 24 hours per week through the end of December.  I'm glad to be able to do a little more work with CGRS, because there are so many interesting projects going on.

Also, I really appreciate how flexible they are about my work schedule.  In light of my three-hour roundtrip commute, they have agreed to let me telecommute exclusively for the month of December.  So helpful, not only to save time, but also money.  (Caltrain and Bart have been running me $22 per day roundtrip, ouch!)  I wish I could stick around longer, but Barbri classes start up again on January 2nd, so I'm trying to avoid working during my bar prep.

Speaking of the bar, my supervising attorney had a great talk with me yesterday, during which she revealed to me that she, too, had to take the bar exam twice.  As she and I have a lot in common--Georgetown Law alumnae, straight through from a Pac 12 state school, human rights fact-finding mission, certificate in Refugees and Humanitarian Emergencies--it was very reassuring to hear that she had been successful during the February administration, and went on to find public interest employment in her field of choice.  I have been blessed with so many encouraging, supportive supervising attorneys in my past legal jobs, and CGRS is no exception.

*I had never had Burmese before, and it is fantastic!  I love the Indian and Thai influences.  I had coconut chicken noodle soup and tea leaf salad.  So good.  I want to try my hand at a coconut milk-based soup, now.  Check out Burmese Kitchen if you find yourself with a hankering for Burmese food in the middle of the Tenderloin.

Internal Deadlines

In the three years since graduating from Cal, I have watched many--indeed, most--of my close friends struggle with un(der)employment.  I felt very fortunate to be riding out (at least part of) the recession sheltered in the safe retreat of law school.  This year, as my graduation from Georgetown approached with no job offer in sight, I struggled with feelings of doubt, fear, and disappointment.  Doubt about whether I had chosen the right career path.  Fear of never breaking into my chosen field.  Disappointment in myself, as someone who has derived a great deal of her self-worth from past successes.

Then, in May, my studies for the bar exam began.  I reset my internal deadline for finding a job to September, one month after the bar exam, and the deadline for my Plan B: accepting a post-JD stipend from Georgetown to do three months of volunteer work with a non-profit organization.  No job materialized; indeed, not even an interview.

I accepted a volunteer position with the Center for Gender & Refugee Studies, which I began in September.  It is a wonderful place to volunteer, and I am glad to have this opportunity to expand my knowledge of refugee law.  I have done research on marital rape in Chad, domestic violence in Slovakia, and repressive social mores in Afghanistan.  I drafted a record summary for an amicus brief that is in the works. I am currently writing a practice advisory on the one-year bar to asylum.  This is the type of work that I want to be doing, in the perfect location (San Francisco), and yet, I lack satisfaction.

I feel the pressure of my revised internal deadline for finding work: the end of November.  This is when my stipend runs out (unless, as has been hinted to as a possibility, Georgetown finds some more funding). This is also when I will learn whether I passed the bar exam.  Right now, one of the only things keeping me from completely beating myself up about my unemployment is that I know that non-profit organizations do not have the resources in this economy to hire people who do not have their law licenses.  Once I pass the bar, that excuse will be gone.  Or, even worse, perhaps I will not pass the bar, and will have to begin my studies--and the hellish waiting process--all over again.  Either way, November is going to be a rocky month for my legal moxie.

Today, I stumbled across this feature in New York Magazine: The Kids Are Actually Sort of Alright: My screwed, coddled, self-absorbed, mocked, surprisingly resilient generation.  The article explores the psyche of twenty-somethings who are facing un(der)employment in the recession, forced to settle for menial work, move back in with their parents, and reassess why we all worked so hard in high school and beyond.  A lot of the article resonated with me.  It served as a good reminder of the folly of resting my self-worth upon my career.  There is so much more to me than my job (or lack thereof).

Since moving home in May, I have been hesitant to put down any roots in the South Bay, not knowing if or when I might be pulled away to the Peninsula, San Francisco, or the East Bay at the drop of a hat for an employment opportunity.  I have felt particularly lost not integrating into a new religious community, after such meaningful experiences at Cal and Georgetown.  I talked with my mom about it, and realized that I was wasting valuable time by not embracing a group in the interim, if only for a few months.  To that end, I joined up with a few South Bay Newman alumnae, and we've started a Catholic women's book club.  We've met twice so far, discussing chapters from The Holy Longing: The Search for a Christian Spirituality. Then, at Mass on Sunday at St. Justin in Santa Clara, I found out that their young adult group (ages 18-40) is having a meet and greet next week to welcome newcomers.  It's amazing how God can open the eyes of my heart to community when I least expect it.

I don't want to waste any more time.  For the past five months, I have felt as though my life would be on pause until I found full-time, paid employment as a licensed attorney.  I have been operating on this assumption that no one will see my value as a human being until I have a legitimate response to the seemingly innocuous ice breaker, "So, what do you do for a living?"  There is no need to feel ashamed of my unemployment, so long as I am doing and living.  My internalization of my job search as a deadline, that at some point the acceptability of my unemployment will expire, is an unproductive, self-defeatist attitude.  My life does not begin when I get my first job.  I've been doing things for a living for 25 years, and counting.

Two Weeks

The bar exam begins two weeks from this Tuesday.  I began attending Barbri (a bar exam review course) literally six hours after touching down in CA, and have been diligently practicing the multiple choice, essays, and performance tests in the 16 testable subject areas.  I have shied away from fun as much as possible (with a few allowances for kittens, weddings, and birthdays).

Yet, I have no idea whether I will pass this exam.  I never know how well I have done on a practice test after I complete it until I grade it.  I feel extremely nervous about this exam, and sometimes I have a hard time managing my fears of failure.  I am generally a good standardized test taker, but this exam is different.  Memorization does not come naturally to me, and I didn't take courses in half of the subjects that are tested on the exam.  As the exam draws nearer, my anxiety makes it more difficult for me to concentrate, and I have vivid daymares about what it will feel like to log on to check the exam results in November, only to discover that I failed the exam, and have to relive the entire process for the February administration.

No matter how much I study, it does not feel like enough.  The Barbri teachers continually remind us that all the bar examiners are looking for is "minimal competency" of a first year lawyer, but sometimes I don't even feel competent.  I know that such negative thinking can become a self-fulfilling prophecy, because it detracts from my ability to adequately prepare, but that knowledge makes me stressed out about being stressed out.  And, it's been difficult to go through the entire Barbri course without any friends at SCU Law; while everyone chats and laughs during the breaks, I feel isolated.

I need to turn this mental state around.  Last week, I discovered a bust of St. Thomas More--the patron saint of lawyers--in the basement level of the SCU Library.  It was a friendly face during a moment of mental negativity, and reminded me that I am not alone in this endeavor.  When I started this blog (three years ago this Thursday), I had St. Thomas More on my heart, and took the title of my blog from his prayer.  I have been doing most of my studying in study rooms in the SCU Library because they have huge whiteboards, which are helpful for visualizing and memorizing subject outlines for essays.  Lately, the first thing I've been writing in a corner of the board is "St. Thomas More, pray for me," a little reminder that I cannot and should not do this alone.  When self-doubt creeps into my head, I need to take a deep breath, and pray.

One of our Barbri professors told us that our job in the next two weeks is not to decide whether or not we're going to pass the exam--that is the job of the examiners, not us.  I am really taking that advice to heart.  These final two weeks of study, I will not focus on whether or not I am going to pass or fail, but whether or not I am doing everything in my power to enter the Santa Clara Convention Center on Tuesday, July 26th feeling calm, confident, and in control.  I will treat the exam as an opportunity to demonstrate what I do know, rather than a measure of what I do not know.  And, as so many of my Barbri teachers have recommended, when I am confronted with a question and do not know what the law is, I will do what all good lawyers do: make it up.  :-)

Keep me in your prayers, friends, and I look forward to being able to celebrate the end of the bar exam with you soon.

Dear Nana

Dear Nana,

You passed away last night, while I was 3,000 miles away.  You were 87 years old and suffering from Alzheimer's, so perhaps it was merciful that God took you home.  Nonetheless, I am so sad that I couldn't be by your bedside as you left this world.  I know you were so supportive of my education, and that you'll be looking in on my graduation this Sunday.

I miss you already.  You were always so encouraging, so selfless, so loving.  You were such a hard worker.  Your family was your top priority, and you raised three amazing sons all by yourself as a widow.  You never married again, because Grandpa Leo was your true love.  I am so glad that you can be with him again now.

Thank you for rekindling my relationship with God.  As I wrote of you in an op-ed that I wrote for the Law Weekly my 1L year:

The week before I left for undergrad, I went to visit my grandmother.  At the end of our visit, saying our good-byes, she tearfully embraced me and whispered in my ear, “Don’t lose faith.”  Those three little words spurred me on to grow dramatically in my relationship with God, and provided me with a clear model for showing others accountability.

I have identified that moment as one of the major turning points of my faith life.  Thank you for accepting God's call to be a vessel for his message, and for living a life full of grace that inspires me to be as compassionate and honorable as you have been.

I will miss your hugs.  I will miss your perpetual concern that I wasn't wearing enough layers to keep warm.  I will miss you eating crab with us at Christmas.  I will miss you telling me that, if I ever need anything, just ask you.  I will miss how you always hid tissues up your sleeves.  I will miss the way you doctored up spinach dip with extra water chestnuts.  I will miss you telling me the stories of what my dad and uncles were like growing up.  I will miss your expertise in caring for plants.  I will miss going out for ice cream with you.  I will miss watching Mom paint your nails.  I will miss...

When I was in sixth grade, we were assigned a school project to do about our hero.  Most children chose well-known figures, like astronauts or Mother Teresa.  I chose you as my hero.  To this day, you are still my hero.  You inspire me to work hard, to make sacrifices, to be caring, and, most importantly, to never lose faith.  Thank you for always being there for me, and I love you so much.

Your granddaughter,
Amanda

Final Finals, Finally

No more school,

Yet, way more books,

Is the bar exam as hard as it looks?

I had my last class of law school on Friday.  While it wasn't very representative of my classroom experience these past three years, it was delightful: my professor had our fact-finding mission team over to her house for lunch.  We debriefed our year-long seminar, and popped open some champagne to celebrate our hard work.  The fact-finding mission has been one of the best things about law school, so it was a great way to conclude.

Of course, it's not quite over yet...  I'll be working on final exams for the next two weeks.  I have an essay due tomorrow for Nonprofit Organizations, an in-class exam on Thursday for Family Law II, and then self-paced take-home exams for Immigration Law & Policy and Law & Development.  All told, this is actually the easiest final exam period that I will have had in law school, which is nice.

While my take-home exams aren't due until May 17th, my family arrives on the 14th, so my goal is to finish things before they arrive.  I may even be able to finish things sooner than that, depending on my efficiency and diligence.  However, I also want to complete the Early Bar Prep work that Barbri has provided us with to work on before our bar review course begins on the 23rd, so I'll be keeping myself busy one way or another.

Despite outlining and paper writing, I've had some fun during the past week or so.  I attended the Easter Vigil at Holy Trinity last weekend, which was standing room only and a beautiful service that made me both laugh and tear up.  Last Sunday, the CSA had our third annual Easter Brunch, which is always delicious and fun.

On Monday, I had an insightful conversation over dinner (at Busboys and Poets, yum) with a new friend I had met the week prior at the Holy Thursday Mass on main campus.  Isn't it a bummer to make new friends right before one is about to move cross-country?

I spent most of Tuesday at a very interesting Immigration Law & Policy Conference that was hosted by the law school, the Migration Policy Institute, and CLINIC (Catholic Legal Immigration Network, Inc.).  I loved that my Immigration professor told us to skip class to attend the conference instead.  Many of the take-away points were unsurprising: we need comprehensive immigration reform, ICE needs to start using their new PBNDS, and indigent immigrants in the court system should have the right to counsel.  However, I did find the session on 287(g) agreements and Secure Communities to be particularly insightful, because they had the Chief of Police from Prince William County, VA, speak about how they implemented 287(g), and its impact on the community.

Friday night was the Poverty Journal's end-of-year banquet, which was at La Tasca.  We had delicious tapas and sangria, and then hung out at a nearby bar called Redline.  The bar has self-serve beer taps at every table, which was pretty unique.  My Editor-in-Chief, Betsy, gave me a splendidly nerdy mug that says "data are plural," which was an issue we had to address repeatedly during our edits this past year.  Being Managing Editor was a lot of work this year, but I'm going to miss working on the journal.

Yesterday, Jess and I, along with our friend and fellow Cal alum Mike, went to the ballpark to watch the Giants beat the Nationals.  I hadn't been to the Nationals park before, and was very impressed by the layout--we were in the cheap seats for the first half of the game, but I still felt like I had a great view.  And, the food was delicious; I had a Ben's chili dog and funnel cake.  The best part of the game was at the end when Brian Wilson closed--I was proud to be wearing my number 38 jersey!

Alas, my blogging study break is officially over.  Back to paper writing!

Wrapping up Lent

The past two weeks have been very exciting for my human rights fact-finding mission, because we are doing advocacy work on the Hill and with federal agencies to push for policy revisions to address the problems we identified in our report.  It is liberating to be able to do more than point out a problem--to actually present ideas on how to solve those problems, and hopefully have an impact on the lives of future persons with mental disabilities at risk of being deported.  So far, I have been part of a panel discussion at American University, met with an attorney at the Executive Office for Immigration Review, and met with the staff of Senator Gillibrand and Senator Leahy (collecting many business cards along the way).  There are a few more big meetings coming up, so we'll see what happens!

Other things going on?  Let's see, I've tabled with my journal for a bake sale to raise money for DC Books to Prisons, I attended a lovely reprise of Thanksgiving dinner at Brad and Marie's, we took our panoramic class photo (and it felt like high school all over again), the Catholic Student Association had a well-received Fish Fry, I saw the Georgetown Gilbert & Sullivan Society perform The Sorceror, I took several strolls around the Tidal Basin at night with Jess, we made butterbeer, I was the narrator for Palm Sunday Mass, and I've been studying for final exams and writing a paper.

Last night, a few of us from the CSA trekked over to main campus for Holy Thursday Mass.  It was a very nice service, and struck me as a peaceful culmination of my Lenten experience.  For most of Lent, I was not as devoted as I would have liked.  However, things turned around a couple of weeks ago when I went to confession and renewed my commitment to a prayerful pursuit of God.  He is awesome.  My favorite part of the Holy Thursday Mass was the procession out of Dahlgren Chapel at the end of the Mass with the body of Christ.  We sang and walked through Healy, around the side of the building to the  Copley Crypt Chapel, which was calming and sincere.

My Triduum continues with a service at St. Joseph's on the Hill today, Easter Vigil tomorrow night at the Basilica of the National Shrine, and the CSA's third annual Easter Brunch on Sunday.  Hopefully, I'll find time to work on a paper and do some outlining this weekend, too...

March to Victory

I have been working non-stop for the past three weeks!  My human rights fact-finding report on the repatriation of persons with mental disabilities is officially complete--sent it to our graphic designer this morning!--after a ton of work from our amazing group of nine students.  I've been putting in about 25 hours of work per week on the report this month, on top of my full course load, the Poverty Law Journal, the Catholic Student Association (CSA), and searching for a job.  However, I'm energized rather than exhausted.  I love being busy.  Boredom is my worst enemy.  To that end, here are some highlights from the past three weeks...

• I got a very short haircut, which I'm enjoying immensely.  It is so nice to not have hair on my neck!  I told the stylist that I didn't want any hair past my jawline, and she did a great job.
• I did a series of informational interviews with immigration non-profits in the Bay Area while I was in town for Spring Break.  No one was hiring, but I got some good information about what it's like in the field, and about public interest law in general.
• I tried out a delicious, yet simple, sautéed shrimp recipe from my new cookbook, and had Brad and Marie over for dinner.  Yum!
• The CSA had Fr. Ray Schroth, the author of a new biography on Fr. Bob Drinan, come speak at an event.  I enjoyed learning more about Fr. Drinan, and even got a signed copy of the book.
• My journal hosted a symposium on the intersection of legal education and poverty law, which was very successful.
• It started to feel like spring, but then regressed to winter.  Snow in late March?!  I do not approve.
• I did some trash clean-up at Kenilworth Park and Aquatic Gardens, which is so beautiful!  We sorted and bagged over a dozen giant bags of trash and recyclables.  I really wish people would stop littering.

There are many more things that I could talk about: e.g., getting addicted to John Grisham novels, journal bake sale tabling for prisoner literacy, planning the CSA budget, Bluebooking, crashing the Tax Journal's end-of-year party, handing out free St. Patrick's Day cookies, sooo much report editing...  But, I don't want to ramble.

In other news, there are five weeks of classes left, and I graduate in 55 days.  Our human rights report launch is in two weeks, and we have a ton of amazing advocacy meetings lined up with D.C. policy makers.  It's definitely starting to feel like the home stretch, and I'm excited!  Please keep my job search in your prayers--I have an interview this Friday (which I don't want to blog about until after the fact).

Joyeux Lundi Gras

What are you giving up (and/or doing) for Lent?  I'm still deciding, but I have some ideas.  St. Justin's handed out the Magnificat Lenten Companion at Mass on Sunday, so I think I'll read that each morning.  It has a page-long Scripture reflection for each day, along with a short prayer and a suggested penance.

I'm also probably going to visit Busted Halo's Fast Pray Give calendar each day.  It's like an Advent calendar, but for Lent, with a brief spiritual contemplation for each day along with suggestions for how to fast, pray, and give--the three things you're supposed to work on during Lent.  Busted Halo also has a cool video with a two-minute overview of Lent, which I enjoyed watching:



I'm not sure whether I'll give anything up, per se.  Generally, I like to focus on proactively doing things for Lent.  I think I'll round out my Lenten practices with a commitment to a daily prayer, such as the Rosary or the Liturgy of the Hours, but I'm not sure yet.  Suggestions are welcome--I'd love to hear what you guys are doing!

October

I completely neglected to post last month, which is a testament to the busyness of this semester.  Here are some highlights.

I saw the National Symphony Orchestra perform Beethoven's Symphony No. 9, which was incredible.

I went to Paradise Springs Winery in Clifton, VA, with Brad and Marie, and enjoyed a gorgeous, lazy afternoon in which we were only slightly harassed by bees.

I was an usher at the Red Mass.  I escorted important people (e.g., diplomats from other countries) to their seats, and even got to shake hands with Justice Scalia!

I met some awesome Dominican brothers at an event the CSA held for the Feast of the Holy Rosary.

For Columbus Day weekend, I went to Boston for the first time, and saw Matthew and Tiffany!  Highlights included Harvard Square, the JFK Presidential Library, the Institute of Contemporary Art, the Boston Public Library, the Boston Symphony Orchestra (performing Mahler's Symphony No. 2, Resurrection), MIT, the Freedom Trail, Old Ironsides (a.k.a., the U.S.S. Constitution), the Museum of Science, and apple picking with Theresa. See all of my photos, with lovely captions, here.

I went for a hike with Jess and Gabe at Great Falls Park.  Photos here.

I had a job interview through DOJ Honors to be a judicial law clerk with the San Francisco Immigration Court.  Keep your fingers crossed!

My Fact-Finding Mission officially decided that we'll be going to Jamaica in January to do research related to the repatriation of persons with mental disabilities.

Jess and I saw All's Well that Ends Well at the Shakespeare Theatre Company (and thus, I get to check that off of my D.C. to-do list, yay).

I began to study for the MPRE, the lawyer's ethics exam, which I will be taking on Saturday.

I rallied to restore Sanity!

I went as Brian Wilson for Halloween, and the Giants WON THE WORLD SERIES! Coincidence? I think not.

That's all for now, folks.  November shows no signs of slowing down.  Four weeks until finals?  Madness!