Third Time's the Charm

I learned on Friday that I was unsuccessful on the February administration of the California bar exam.  I was on my way home from work when the results came out online, so I spent an hour sitting on the train with my sunglasses on, feebly attempting to hide the fact that I was crying.  When I got home, both of my parents were waiting for me, and enveloped me in a huge, long hug.

We talked for a while, and I admitted to myself and to them how much of an emotional toll this exam has taken on me the past year.  I explained how the pressure to do well, especially the second time, left me feeling paralyzed with fear.  I acknowledged that I really struggled with studying for the exam full-time because of burn-out, worrying excessively, and the lack of human interaction.

I will take the bar exam again July 24-26.  I am feeling confident that I will pass this time for a number of reasons.

1. The pressure to succeed is greatly reduced, because I am employed.  A large part of my trepidation about the exam has been how closely it was linked to my chances of finding work.  Now that I'm employed, the bar exam has less of an impact on my well-being and sense of self-worth.
2. I will not be studying full time.  The fact that I'm working while studying might seem like challenge, but I think it will actually be helpful.  When I had all the time in the world, I wasted hours and hours just worrying.  This summer, I will be too busy to worry.  Having a limited amount of time will cause me to focus on what's crucial.
3. I will be taking a different bar prep course with a visual learning approach.  Barbri has not worked well for me because there is no interactive learning or accountability.  This summer, I will be using the BarPassers tutorial program, which relies on flowcharts, weekly live classes, and a ton of personalized feedback.
4. I came maddeningly close to passing the February exam.  I got my scores in the mail on Saturday, and they made me feel really good.  A passing scaled score on the exam is 1440.  My score was 1417--so close, they had to grade my essays and performance tests twice.  My MBE (multiple choice) raw score, which was the main reason I didn't pass last July, jumped up by 25 questions.  If I had done just a tiny bit better on any section, I would have passed.

The next two months are going to be crazy busy, but worth it.  Although I am still lamenting* not having passed this time around, I'm feeling good about this summer.  I like being busy.  I thrive under the pressure of deadlines.  This is exactly the type of situation I need to get into the zone, that frame of mind where everything happens efficiently and passionately.  This is it.  The time is now, the place is here.  I am ready.

* A word on lamenting.  My discussion group is currently reading Quest for the Living God by Elizabeth A. Johnson.  The most recent chapter that we read discusses the age-old question of why God lets bad things happen.  Johnson presented a number of different theories from different theologians, but one in particular, Metz, stood out to me.  Metz suggests that, rather than explain away the tension between the good of God and the evil of the world by trivializing it or ignoring it, we should embrace the contradiction through remembering and lamenting.  Remembering Christ's death, his solidarity with humanity, stimulates hope for the future.  And, lamenting to God, despite what bad things have happened, also keeps hope alive, while maintaining a certain awe about the mystery of God.  In my current situation, then, lamenting is good because I am in dialogue with God through prayer, even though I know that I am not ready for the explanations that I demand.  Until such a time, I must rely on faith.