Three Days

The results of the California bar exam will be released Friday evening.  My life has been slowly marching toward this day for years. I have thought about this Friday literally every day since I graduated from law school.  And, it is finally nearly here.

I'm extraordinarily nervous.  I'm trying not to freak out.  I'm trying to stay calm.  I'm trying to keep busy with cooking and friends and books and family and silly craft projects to take my mind off of the looming date.  I'm trying to focus on the message of Matthew 6:25-31.  But, it's difficult for me.  I'm afraid of humiliation, disappointment, imperfection, weakness, inferiority...  Of Failure with a capital "F".

Shortly before the bar exam, Erin sent me a link to a blog post entitled Please Stop Telling Me I'm Going to Pass the Bar. It sums up quite perfectly how I was feeling in the two weeks leading up to the bar exam.  Many of those sentiments still apply.  This part of the post was especially resonant for me:

Now, lots of smart people fail the bar exam. For a variety of reasons, it happens. These people are not failures. I can look at these people---people who I know and respect, and consider them bright, competent, amazing attorneys. The younger ones, I love and respect. I don't think they're idiots. For the older ones, it's a war wound, and a mark of character: proof that they really do "get" the real world. But if I don't pass? You guessed it. I'm a failure. Nobody said this psychology made sense.

It's an incredible, self-imposed double standard.  I would never judge someone for having failed the exam.  It's a tough exam!  Stuff happens.  But, if I fail the bar exam?  Well, that would make me a Failure.

Now, that's just ridiculous.  Regardless of what happens on Friday, life will go on.  As I blogged shortly before the bar exam,

It is only an exam.  It is not a measure of my self-worth.  I tried my best this summer and learned a lot, and that's good enough for me.

Thanks to everyone for walking along side me on this journey.  Thank you for the hugs, the popsicles, the Starbucks gift cards, the emails, the prayers, the listening ears, and the kitten study breaks.

See you on Friday.