Gratitude

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving.  This was my first time being home for Thanksgiving in three years, so it meant a lot to me.  It was also my first Thanksgiving without my Nana, and her absence was felt, but I'm thankful that she's in a better place.  I enjoyed spending the day cooking with my mom.  In addition to all of our traditional dishes, we tried something new: mini pumpkin pies baked in cupcake tins!  They were incredible, and will definitely be a new tradition for us.

My family and I went around and named some of the things for which we are thankful this year.  It was a positive exercise for me, especially since I'm still coming to terms with my bar exam results.  Here are some of the things I mentioned:

• Going to Jamaica for my human rights fact-finding mission
• My experience as managing editor of the Poverty Journal
• The Catholic community at Georgetown Law
• Graduating from law school
• My new kittens
• My iPhone, which connects me with so many people I love
• My friends in DC, who are doing a great job of keeping in touch
• The support of so many friends during and after the bar exam
• Having a family willing and able to take me in during my bar exam studies and un(der)employment

That last line is the most significant for me.  I have been graced with the luxury of being able to wait for the right job opportunity, and to focus on my bar exam studies.  Despite the bumps in the road that I've faced this year, overall I am extremely blessed.

I got some good news from Georgetown: they're willing to extend my stipend to work with the Center for Gender & Refugee Studies!  So, although today was supposed to be the last day of my three-month fellowship at CGRS--indeed, they took me out for a delicious farewell lunch of Burmese food* yesterday--I will actually be working 24 hours per week through the end of December.  I'm glad to be able to do a little more work with CGRS, because there are so many interesting projects going on.

Also, I really appreciate how flexible they are about my work schedule.  In light of my three-hour roundtrip commute, they have agreed to let me telecommute exclusively for the month of December.  So helpful, not only to save time, but also money.  (Caltrain and Bart have been running me $22 per day roundtrip, ouch!)  I wish I could stick around longer, but Barbri classes start up again on January 2nd, so I'm trying to avoid working during my bar prep.

Speaking of the bar, my supervising attorney had a great talk with me yesterday, during which she revealed to me that she, too, had to take the bar exam twice.  As she and I have a lot in common--Georgetown Law alumnae, straight through from a Pac 12 state school, human rights fact-finding mission, certificate in Refugees and Humanitarian Emergencies--it was very reassuring to hear that she had been successful during the February administration, and went on to find public interest employment in her field of choice.  I have been blessed with so many encouraging, supportive supervising attorneys in my past legal jobs, and CGRS is no exception.

*I had never had Burmese before, and it is fantastic!  I love the Indian and Thai influences.  I had coconut chicken noodle soup and tea leaf salad.  So good.  I want to try my hand at a coconut milk-based soup, now.  Check out Burmese Kitchen if you find yourself with a hankering for Burmese food in the middle of the Tenderloin.

The Resident Alien: Chapter 1

So, this whole NaNoWriMo thing did not exactly work out for me as I had hoped this year.  I did not get anywhere near 50,000 words.  No excuses justify this—I simply wasn't committed to the writing schedule that I should have been keeping.  Boo on me; I'll try again next year.


However, my first attempt at NaNoWriMo has reminded me how much I enjoy creative writing.  In fact, I want to continue to explore the storyline I've developed for The Resident Alien.  So, here's what I'm going to do: post one chapter per month here on my blog.  This seems like a reasonable goal.  It will keep me active and accountable, and provide me with some much-needed feedback so that I can improve as a writer.  Accordingly, here is the first chapter of The Resident Alien.

Oh, Drat

Well, gang, I'm hoping for better luck in February, because I did not get good news this evening.

The following is a letter that I wrote myself on the day before the bar exam.

Three Days

The results of the California bar exam will be released Friday evening.  My life has been slowly marching toward this day for years. I have thought about this Friday literally every day since I graduated from law school.  And, it is finally nearly here.

I'm extraordinarily nervous.  I'm trying not to freak out.  I'm trying to stay calm.  I'm trying to keep busy with cooking and friends and books and family and silly craft projects to take my mind off of the looming date.  I'm trying to focus on the message of Matthew 6:25-31.  But, it's difficult for me.  I'm afraid of humiliation, disappointment, imperfection, weakness, inferiority...  Of Failure with a capital "F".

Shortly before the bar exam, Erin sent me a link to a blog post entitled Please Stop Telling Me I'm Going to Pass the Bar. It sums up quite perfectly how I was feeling in the two weeks leading up to the bar exam.  Many of those sentiments still apply.  This part of the post was especially resonant for me:

Now, lots of smart people fail the bar exam. For a variety of reasons, it happens. These people are not failures. I can look at these people---people who I know and respect, and consider them bright, competent, amazing attorneys. The younger ones, I love and respect. I don't think they're idiots. For the older ones, it's a war wound, and a mark of character: proof that they really do "get" the real world. But if I don't pass? You guessed it. I'm a failure. Nobody said this psychology made sense.

It's an incredible, self-imposed double standard.  I would never judge someone for having failed the exam.  It's a tough exam!  Stuff happens.  But, if I fail the bar exam?  Well, that would make me a Failure.

Now, that's just ridiculous.  Regardless of what happens on Friday, life will go on.  As I blogged shortly before the bar exam,

It is only an exam.  It is not a measure of my self-worth.  I tried my best this summer and learned a lot, and that's good enough for me.

Thanks to everyone for walking along side me on this journey.  Thank you for the hugs, the popsicles, the Starbucks gift cards, the emails, the prayers, the listening ears, and the kitten study breaks.

See you on Friday.

In Defense of Thanksgiving

"November is my territory!" said Turkey haughtily, his wattle wobbling with disdain.  "Thanksgiving is in November, and Christmas is in December.  At the very earliest, you should come out on the Friday after Thanksgiving--no earlier!"

Christmas Tree rolled her eyes and adjusted the garland on one of her beautiful boughs.  "Turkey, I hear what you're saying.  But, so much of the autumn stuff plays out in September and October these days.  People are bored already, they're ready for a change!  I mean, pumpkin spice lattes are delicious, but folks have been drinking them since Labor Day.  Who can blame them for getting a peppermint mocha?"

"It diminishes the significance of both of our holidays," replied Turkey.  "Thanksgiving is no more about pumpkin than Christmas is about peppermint.  Each of our holidays celebrates a significant event.  For Thanksgiving, it is a time for family to gather to express their gratitude for the many blessings in their lives.  And, Christmas is about the birth of Jesus.  Each holiday deserves reverence.  Jump starting the stress and busyness of Christmas shopping does a disservice to both holidays."

"Let's cut to the chase, Turkey.  Nobody likes Thanksgiving.  I mean, it's alright, but it is not on the same level as Christmas.  You're just upset that people would rather sing carols and open presents than deal with grumpy distant relatives and eat one of your dried out cousins."  Christmas Tree smiled wickedly as Turkey ruffled his feathers, taken aback by her low blow.  She continued, "Have you ever heard someone sing a Thanksgiving carol?  I think not."

"First off, leave my family out of this.  Each year, we make a noble sacrifice for the goodness of the Thanksgiving tradition, and I will not tolerate your insults.  There have been many innovations in our cooking in recent years--oven bags, brining, even deep frying--that have greatly diminished the risk of our being dried out."  Turkey narrowed his eyes, a small smile creeping across his beak as he sensed Christmas Tree's weakness.  "More importantly, you know we have the better side dishes.  Green bean casserole, candied yams, cranberry sauce...  And, the pies.  Everyone loves the pies.  Did you know we're in the middle of a pumpkin crisis right now?  That's how much people love pumpkin--a shortage of it is referred to as a crisis."

Christmas Tree was silent, struggling to form a rebuttal.  Turkey went on, "But, this doesn't have to be a competition.  It's not about which holiday is better.  Christmas is a very important part of The Holidays.  All I am saying is that you need to give us some space, because we kick off this season.  By the way, you do realize that winter doesn't start until December 22nd?"

"Okay, okay, I understand.  You deserve some respect.  I don't totally agree with your food arguments--I mean, Christmas cookies?  Eggnog?  Candy canes?  Those tins of popcorn?--but, I see that we should take turns.  It's just difficult for me, because everyone loves Christmas so much, and who am I to deny them the opportunity to celebrate?"  Her eyes gleamed wistfully as she continued, "But, maybe you're right.  Maybe part of what makes Christmas so special is the fact that it is here but for a fleeting moment.  We'll focus on you for now, and it will make December that much more fun."  Christmas Tree smiled humbly.

"Thank you for hearing me out, Christmas Tree.  I think this will make us both happier in the long run.  Say, there are so many wonderful autumn things that we need to do before the weather turns frightful!  Want to go out for some apple cider?"

"That sounds lovely, Turkey."  And, as they departed, Christmas Tree turned off her lights deferentially.

Lurking in the shadows just around the corner, Cupid cackled softly.  Clutching his bow and arrows, he whispered, "That's right, let your guard down.  My time will come soon enough..."

NaNoWriMo

For years, I have wanted to participate in NaNoWriMo.  30 days and nights of literary abandon?  Sign me up!  Except, oh, wait, I have this paper due, and there's a midterm coming up, and a thousand other excuses, most of which were related to school.  Well, this year, no more excuses!  I am doing it.  I will be writing a 50,000-word novel in the month of November.

During October, I have been brainstorming what to write.  I've had many ideas for novels over the years--what English major isn't a cloak-and-dagger aspiring author?--but I wanted to make sure that I loved my idea enough to carry me through my first NaNoWriMo without stalling out halfway through November.  Last week, I was starting to get concerned, because I still hadn't developed the right premise, when I decided to fall back on the age-old adage: write about what you know.  And, that's how my idea for The Resident Alien came to be.  Here's the synopsis:

In a dystopian future plagued by war, environmental disasters, and the breakdown of international human rights law, the people of Earth have largely abandoned religion, and actively persecute the few who remain faithful.  Eleanora, a Roman Catholic, bands with other religious refugees of all faiths to seek asylum on the planet of Nomos, where logic and lawfulness reign supreme.  Facing onerous interplanetary immigration laws and policies, Eleanora is taken aback by the xenophobia and second class status that human refugees experience as “resident aliens” of Nomos.

Befriending a refugee nun, Sister Ramona, who has become the face of the refugees’ struggle for acceptance by Nomosian society, Eleanora uses her experience as a journalist to spread the word about the plight of the refugees.  When some Nomosians begin to express sympathy for the refugees, and even convert to Catholicism, the government of Nomos cracks down on the liberties afforded to the resident aliens.  Eleanora, Sister Ramona, and a few key Nomosian allies fight for religious freedom, exposing the uncomfortable truth that Nomos has many of the same flaws as Earth.

It will be a lot of fun to explore this idea.  I think I have a decent shot of completing this novel, because I love science fiction, I'm interested in religious issues (especially ecumenism), and my background is in international and refugee law issues.  Creating an intergalactic framework for refugee law will be particularly enjoyable, because it will afford me an outlet to critique our current system by analogy.

Is anyone else thinking of doing NaNoWriMo?  If so, add me as a writing buddy; my username is grammarsavvy.  If not, do you have any other absurd goals for November?  I challenge you to take on a project you've wanted to do for a while this month!  Remember, in the words of Leonard Bernstein:

"To achieve great things, two things are needed: a plan, and not enough time."

Internal Deadlines

In the three years since graduating from Cal, I have watched many--indeed, most--of my close friends struggle with un(der)employment.  I felt very fortunate to be riding out (at least part of) the recession sheltered in the safe retreat of law school.  This year, as my graduation from Georgetown approached with no job offer in sight, I struggled with feelings of doubt, fear, and disappointment.  Doubt about whether I had chosen the right career path.  Fear of never breaking into my chosen field.  Disappointment in myself, as someone who has derived a great deal of her self-worth from past successes.

Then, in May, my studies for the bar exam began.  I reset my internal deadline for finding a job to September, one month after the bar exam, and the deadline for my Plan B: accepting a post-JD stipend from Georgetown to do three months of volunteer work with a non-profit organization.  No job materialized; indeed, not even an interview.

I accepted a volunteer position with the Center for Gender & Refugee Studies, which I began in September.  It is a wonderful place to volunteer, and I am glad to have this opportunity to expand my knowledge of refugee law.  I have done research on marital rape in Chad, domestic violence in Slovakia, and repressive social mores in Afghanistan.  I drafted a record summary for an amicus brief that is in the works. I am currently writing a practice advisory on the one-year bar to asylum.  This is the type of work that I want to be doing, in the perfect location (San Francisco), and yet, I lack satisfaction.

I feel the pressure of my revised internal deadline for finding work: the end of November.  This is when my stipend runs out (unless, as has been hinted to as a possibility, Georgetown finds some more funding). This is also when I will learn whether I passed the bar exam.  Right now, one of the only things keeping me from completely beating myself up about my unemployment is that I know that non-profit organizations do not have the resources in this economy to hire people who do not have their law licenses.  Once I pass the bar, that excuse will be gone.  Or, even worse, perhaps I will not pass the bar, and will have to begin my studies--and the hellish waiting process--all over again.  Either way, November is going to be a rocky month for my legal moxie.

Today, I stumbled across this feature in New York Magazine: The Kids Are Actually Sort of Alright: My screwed, coddled, self-absorbed, mocked, surprisingly resilient generation.  The article explores the psyche of twenty-somethings who are facing un(der)employment in the recession, forced to settle for menial work, move back in with their parents, and reassess why we all worked so hard in high school and beyond.  A lot of the article resonated with me.  It served as a good reminder of the folly of resting my self-worth upon my career.  There is so much more to me than my job (or lack thereof).

Since moving home in May, I have been hesitant to put down any roots in the South Bay, not knowing if or when I might be pulled away to the Peninsula, San Francisco, or the East Bay at the drop of a hat for an employment opportunity.  I have felt particularly lost not integrating into a new religious community, after such meaningful experiences at Cal and Georgetown.  I talked with my mom about it, and realized that I was wasting valuable time by not embracing a group in the interim, if only for a few months.  To that end, I joined up with a few South Bay Newman alumnae, and we've started a Catholic women's book club.  We've met twice so far, discussing chapters from The Holy Longing: The Search for a Christian Spirituality. Then, at Mass on Sunday at St. Justin in Santa Clara, I found out that their young adult group (ages 18-40) is having a meet and greet next week to welcome newcomers.  It's amazing how God can open the eyes of my heart to community when I least expect it.

I don't want to waste any more time.  For the past five months, I have felt as though my life would be on pause until I found full-time, paid employment as a licensed attorney.  I have been operating on this assumption that no one will see my value as a human being until I have a legitimate response to the seemingly innocuous ice breaker, "So, what do you do for a living?"  There is no need to feel ashamed of my unemployment, so long as I am doing and living.  My internalization of my job search as a deadline, that at some point the acceptability of my unemployment will expire, is an unproductive, self-defeatist attitude.  My life does not begin when I get my first job.  I've been doing things for a living for 25 years, and counting.