Third Time's the Charm

I learned on Friday that I was unsuccessful on the February administration of the California bar exam.  I was on my way home from work when the results came out online, so I spent an hour sitting on the train with my sunglasses on, feebly attempting to hide the fact that I was crying.  When I got home, both of my parents were waiting for me, and enveloped me in a huge, long hug.

We talked for a while, and I admitted to myself and to them how much of an emotional toll this exam has taken on me the past year.  I explained how the pressure to do well, especially the second time, left me feeling paralyzed with fear.  I acknowledged that I really struggled with studying for the exam full-time because of burn-out, worrying excessively, and the lack of human interaction.

I will take the bar exam again July 24-26.  I am feeling confident that I will pass this time for a number of reasons.

1. The pressure to succeed is greatly reduced, because I am employed.  A large part of my trepidation about the exam has been how closely it was linked to my chances of finding work.  Now that I'm employed, the bar exam has less of an impact on my well-being and sense of self-worth.
2. I will not be studying full time.  The fact that I'm working while studying might seem like challenge, but I think it will actually be helpful.  When I had all the time in the world, I wasted hours and hours just worrying.  This summer, I will be too busy to worry.  Having a limited amount of time will cause me to focus on what's crucial.
3. I will be taking a different bar prep course with a visual learning approach.  Barbri has not worked well for me because there is no interactive learning or accountability.  This summer, I will be using the BarPassers tutorial program, which relies on flowcharts, weekly live classes, and a ton of personalized feedback.
4. I came maddeningly close to passing the February exam.  I got my scores in the mail on Saturday, and they made me feel really good.  A passing scaled score on the exam is 1440.  My score was 1417--so close, they had to grade my essays and performance tests twice.  My MBE (multiple choice) raw score, which was the main reason I didn't pass last July, jumped up by 25 questions.  If I had done just a tiny bit better on any section, I would have passed.

The next two months are going to be crazy busy, but worth it.  Although I am still lamenting* not having passed this time around, I'm feeling good about this summer.  I like being busy.  I thrive under the pressure of deadlines.  This is exactly the type of situation I need to get into the zone, that frame of mind where everything happens efficiently and passionately.  This is it.  The time is now, the place is here.  I am ready.

* A word on lamenting.  My discussion group is currently reading Quest for the Living God by Elizabeth A. Johnson.  The most recent chapter that we read discusses the age-old question of why God lets bad things happen.  Johnson presented a number of different theories from different theologians, but one in particular, Metz, stood out to me.  Metz suggests that, rather than explain away the tension between the good of God and the evil of the world by trivializing it or ignoring it, we should embrace the contradiction through remembering and lamenting.  Remembering Christ's death, his solidarity with humanity, stimulates hope for the future.  And, lamenting to God, despite what bad things have happened, also keeps hope alive, while maintaining a certain awe about the mystery of God.  In my current situation, then, lamenting is good because I am in dialogue with God through prayer, even though I know that I am not ready for the explanations that I demand.  Until such a time, I must rely on faith.

Coming Home

This week has been exciting, unexpected, and a bit nostalgic.   On Wednesday, I began a three-month staff lawyer contract position with  HomeBase!  I am extraordinarily fond of HomeBase, as it was the location of my first legal internship.  I interviewed for a position with them back in March (in fact, on the day after the bar exam ended), but they weren't able to hire me at that time.  Then, on Monday, I got an email from my old supervisor asking me if I'd be interested in some contract work.  I said "Absolutely!" and got a call from the executive director on Tuesday night, asking me to come in Wednesday.  So whirlwind!  For now it is a full-time contract position, but there is serious potential for it to turn into a permanent position.

It all happened so quickly, I didn't even have time to let it sink in and become really excited about it.  It's strange, because it doesn't feel like a "new" job; having already worked there for a summer, I mostly just feel nostalgic.  Indeed, reading over my posts from the summer of 2009, I realized that the last time I did Bay to Breakers (which I'm doing next weekend), I was working for HomeBase!  It's all coming full circle.

This changes everything.  I have an income (and can buy stuff).  I have a plausible path to a permanent position, which would enable me to get my own place and reassert my independence.  I can start repaying my student loans.  Most of all, this gives me a huge psychological boost on my bar exam results coming out next week.  Even if I don't pass, knowing I am employed makes me feel a lot better about it.  (And, because HomeBase mostly does policy work, bar admission isn't a requirement to work there.)  My heart is full of joy and thanksgiving.


Sing a new song to the LORD,
for he has done marvelous deeds.
His right hand and holy arm
have won the victory.
The LORD has made his victory known;
has revealed his triumph in the sight of the nations,
He has remembered his mercy and faithfulness
toward the house of Israel.
All the ends of the earth have seen
the victory of our God.


Shout with joy to the LORD, all the earth;
break into song; sing praise.
Sing praise to the LORD with the lyre,
with the lyre and melodious song.
With trumpets and the sound of the horn
shout with joy to the King, the LORD.


Let the sea and what fills it resound,
the world and those who dwell there.
Let the rivers clap their hands,
the mountains shout with them for joy,
Before the LORD who comes,
who comes to govern the earth,
To govern the world with justice
and the peoples with fairness.

- Psalm 98

Doc Review

The past two-and-a-half weeks, I have been commuting up to San Francisco for a contract document review job.  I cannot say much about the litigation, of course, but I will say that it involves the semiconductor industry.  I saw the job posted on Craigslist, welcoming JDs with no prior doc review experience, so I applied within 45 minutes of the job being posted, and a half-hour later received an email with a bunch of forms to fill out for my employment!

Doc review is extraordinarily boring work.  Essentially, I was paid to sit in a room with 30 people and read strangers' email for eight hours a day.  We used doc review software to code each doc we read based on a variety of different categories derived from a subpoena.  Competitive spirit that I have, I made doc review more fun by trying to beat my prior record for number of documents reviewed in a day.  I always felt good when I hit 700 docs, and my personal best was over 800.

A sunrise view of the Bay from Caltrain.

The commute to San Francisco from Sunnyvale is always pretty intense.  I was working from 8:30 am to 5:30 pm, but left my house at 6:30 am and did not return until 7:15 pm.  I rode my bicycle to the Sunnyvale Caltrain station, took Caltrain all the way up to San Francisco, and then transferred to Muni to get to the office, on Montgomery, a block up from Market.  Muni majorly cramped my style by being behind schedule so often that I missed my preferred train home 60% of the time (a terrible track record)!

On the Monday morning before last, my train struck and killed a man, an apparent suicide.  I was sitting in the second car of the train, and I will never forget the sound of the impact.  I was over an hour late to work because we had to wait for the coroner to come and document the incident.  In the days that followed, I replayed that moment a lot in my head when I was on the train.  I read a well-done Mercury News article from 2009 on how the 10 to 20 Caltrain fatalities (mostly suicides) each year affect Caltrain workers psychologically.  It makes me so sad to imagine being in a place mentally where death seems more welcoming than life.  I was heartened to learn that Google responds to suicide-related search terms with information about the National Suicide Prevention Hotline.

Hopefully, I will receive more doc review jobs through this contract employer.  They told us that they will have a lot more work in the coming year, and will be in touch.  In addition, they have a location in Silicon Valley, so perhaps I will get some work closer to home.  And, now that I have some doc review experience, I can start applying for similar work with other companies.  It's not my dream job, of course, but it's a nice way to make some money and stay busy while waiting for bar exam results (next month!) and a full-time job.

Habitat

At the end of the long day, I surveyed myself.  My jeans were covered in sawdust and mud.  My arms boasted a chalky pink-red hue.  My right hand sported several burgeoning blisters.  And, my hair was molded into what could only be described as hard hat hair.  As my appearance confirmed, my first time volunteering with Habitat for Humanity had been quite productive.

On Friday, I went up to Daly City to work on the construction of a four-story building that will provide condominiums for 36 families.  Monica invited me to tag along as her guest to volunteer with JusticeCorps members for César Chávez Day.  It was fitting to spend the day laboring as a construction worker, contemplating workers' rights.  After learning more about how Habitat works, as well as safety protocols, we divided up into smaller groups to accomplish various tasks.

Along with ten other volunteers, Monica and I spent the day nailing up OSB to studs to form interior walls and rough door framing.  I didn't have much knowledge about carpentry, so it was exciting to get a little technical with things like nail schedules and measurements.  And, I had never used a chalk line tool--so cool!  At the beginning of the day, it was taking me a long time to hammer in each nail, but I was much better by the afternoon, swinging my hammer in long, forceful arcs that hit the head almost every time.

I had always wanted to do Habitat, and I was glad to have this opportunity.  While I enjoyed the day, I'm not sure it was my favorite type of volunteering.  Reflecting on the experience, I think I thrive the most through community service where I am actually able to interact with the person receiving the benefit of my labor.  Here, I could see that there were walls where there had been none, but it was not quite the same as seeing the face of a person I had impacted directly.  Perhaps my experience would be different if I did one of the international week-long builds, where I could see the community being affected.  That being said, I think I would do Habitat again, because doing construction felt pretty hardcore, I felt like I learned some practical skills, and the organization has a very good structure.

Cue Rocky Theme Song

Thanks to a very excellent Groupon, my friend Morgan and I signed up for 30 exercise classes for only $20 at a variety of locations throughout the Bay Area.  Last night, we attended our first class, a boxing/self-defense class at Cissero Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, a tiny studio in San Jose.  Having never tried boxing before, I was a bit nervous about keeping up with the class.  But, as it turned out, Morgan and I were the only two students to show up for the class, which was awesome!  We had the undivided attention of the teacher, who goes by the nickname Tarzan, and even received some pointers from Mr. Cissero himself.  We were repeatedly reminded that this was no mere cardio kickboxing or karate class--this was the real deal.  I must admit, and forgive my language, it felt pretty badass.

We spent the first half of the class working on the form of our jab and cross, moving forward and backward across the mat in short spurts.  Once we seemed to have the hang of the punches, we wrapped our hands and put on boxing gloves, and did some one-on-one practice with the teachers, getting used to punching with the gloves on.

The toughest part of the class was the drills.  For a good 20 minutes, we repeated the following 30-second drills: jab-cross, receive jab-cross, jumping jacks, bobbing and weaving, push ups with one arm in an elbow plank, and crunches.  It was exhausting!  We weren't told how long we'd be doing the drills, so it was a serious test of endurance.  I know I wouldn't have had the self-discipline to push myself to complete those drills on my own, which is why it was so great to have a teacher to hold me accountable.

Morgan and I were tired, yet exhilarated, after the class.  Not only was it an awesome workout (both cardio and upper body strength), but also it felt practical, learning some self-defense.  I definitely want to continue with boxing classes, and cannot wait to see my progress!

Post-Bar, the Sequel

It's wonderful to find myself in a post-bar exam world again.  The exam went well enough.  It's impossible to tell how I did, of course, but I found myself feeling very calm in the days leading up to it.  I think it helped that I had no jitters about the unknown, having taken it before.  The three-day exam took place at the Oakland Convention Center, so I stayed at the Washington Inn across the street.  It was nice to have such an easy "commute."  There were no surprises during the exam, in contrast to the fire alarm that went off during the July administration.  After the exam, I went out for celebratory drinks and dinner with some Berkeley friends who live/work in the area--what catharsis!

The following week, I used some of my frequent flyer miles to take a lovely trip to D.C.  I stayed with my old roommate Jess at her new apartment, crashing on my old couch.  It was splendid to see some of my dearest D.C. friends, many of whom were able to take off time from work to hang out with me!  Having spent several years in D.C., there was no pressure to see the quintessential D.C. sights--the point was to spend time with friends.  However, we did take advantage of the unseasonably warm weather to walk the Tidal Basin, visit the zoo, fly kites, see the Arboretum, and tour my favorite historical site, Mount Vernon.  It is always delightful to see old friends and pick right up from where we left off.

Since returning to California, I've been spending time with my family, catching up on a backlog of emails and blog subscriptions, and beginning some post-bar projects.  I've started using my Spanish software again, which was one of my New Year's Resolutions.  I've also been cooking more, reading for pleasure, and working on my embroidery.  In fact, yesterday was my dad's birthday, and I gave him this cross-stitched version of the famous Blue Marble photograph of the Earth from Apollo 17, because he loves rocketry and the space program:

Other post-bar endeavors include volunteering more, donating blood, using the yoga classes I bought on Groupon, and getting back into jogging.  I discovered a free iPhone app called C25K Free (Couch to 5k) that provides an eight-week schedule of audio-guided interval training, which has been very helpful in keeping me motivated.

I also plan to spend a significant amount of time helping my parents downsize and clear out the garage, as they are hoping to buy their first home this summer.  All of these things should keep me busy while waiting for bar results and employment!  Although, it's funny...  Just as I came to terms emotionally with the fact that I was still unemployed and taking the bar exam a second time, I got two interviews in a week.  Mysterious.  We'll see what happens, but for now, I'm trusting in God and trying to celebrate the time I have been given.

Deserting Desserts

Lent is my favorite liturgical season.  It is a very effective impetus for changing day-to-day habits in a way that brings me closer to God.  I've been pondering many different Lenten disciplines...  Over the past few years, I've given up meat, coffee, and even elevators, I've prayed the Rosary daily, I've read Scripture daily, I've fasted weekly, and I've tried focusing on a different virtue for each day of the week.  The past few years have been more abstract, but I think this Lent, I'd like to return to the classic Lenten practice abhorred by children everywhere: giving up desserts.

Alibi will help me by guarding the fridge.

Living on my own, desserts haven't been a major issue.  It's simple: if you don't buy them, then you don't eat them.  But, now that I'm living with my family, there is constant temptation!  Chocolates, ice cream, cakes, cookies, pastries...  There is always something sweet in our kitchen, and I have not been employing much self-control.  So, I will be using this Lent to reign in that lack of discipline, and focus instead on the sweetness of prayer.  What better dessert for a meal than prayer?  To complement giving up desserts, I plan on praying the Rosary each evening this Lent.

A couple of caveats on giving up desserts.  First, I will not be practicing this discipline on Sundays.  Traditionally, Sundays "don't count" as a part of Lent, because one does not fast when the bridegroom is present.  So, desserts are allowed on Sundays, but not to excess.  Second, birthday cake on a family member's birthday is allowed.  My dad and my brother both have birthdays during Lent this year, and I want to be able to celebrate with them.  But otherwise, no desserts!

I'll be using some discretion as to what counts as a dessert. Sweet breakfast foods are strangely ambiguous.  I think a good demarcation is icing/frosting.  So, no donuts, but some muffins; no filled croissants, but plain ones; no coffee cakes, but some breakfast breads...  Basically, if I would feel guilty about it, I won't eat it.

What are you giving up for Lent this year?